Miscellaneous Jokes ie that can't fit into any other category

This bloke in a disco goes up to girl and says "You must be the cutest girl in here tonight" she replied "I wish I could say the same about you" "You could" says the fellow "If you were as big a liar as I am"

Week ending 23 05 09

This recently wed girl said to her mother. "I'm divorcing him all he wants is anal sex. My arsehole is now the size of a two pound coin. When I first got married it was the size of a five pence piece. " Her mother said "Don't be too hasty dear. After all he is a multi-millionaire. You want for nothing. Credit cards, holidays, Caribbean Yacht, three mansions and you want to divorce him for the sake of £1.95."

Any husband who thinks' he's smarter that his wife is married to a very astute lady.

This Bloke walks into the butchers. When he looks up and sees a sign that says "8 venison legs £25.00" he thinks to himself I wonder if that's too dear?

And that reminded me of this one

This fellow is driving home from the Sunday morning golf when a young deer darts out in front of him. He can't avoid the collision and the animal is killed. Not to be a waste full type he dumps the carcase in the boot of his car. Later on he butchers the meat into diner sized portions. Later on at Sunday Lunch everybody is complementing him on the tasty dish and inquire as to what kind of meat it is. "I'll give you a clue" says the dad "It's something your mother calls me" "Don't touch it" hollers the oldest kid "It's an arsehole"

Have you heard about the couple who made up after an argument. The first thing the wife said was "Now that we're on speaking terms again will you shut up"

Observations.

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does a round Pizza come in a square box?

If you open a tin of evaporating milk and put it in the fridge how come it's still there in the morning?

Why is abbreviation such a long word?

Have you heard about the Dyslexic fellow who went to the Toga party dressed as a goat?

Why don't boxers have sex the night before a big fight ? Normally it's because they don't fancy each other.

"I normally drown my troubles" says the bloke "but my wife won't go swimming"

Week ending 25 04 09

The wife comes home from work to find her husband has nailed all her sex toys to the wall. She shouts to him "You idiot, I said I wanted a dado rail."

An insane policeman goes into a launderette head butts the customers and runs off. The headline in the paper the next day read "COPPER NUTS WASHERS AND BOLTS"

Bloke in pub says to his pal "my wife is more interested in eating than she is in sex" His pal says "Yeah" the bloke replied "In fact she's now got a mirror nailed to the ceiling above our dining room table"

Week ending 01 05 09

A very fat lady is standing in a shop queue and her phone starts to beep. A young lad standing behind her shouts "Watch out it's reversing"

Bloke in pub says to his pal "My wife has had 61 lovers before me" "How do you make that out? " Asks his pal. "Well" replies the first bloke "She keeps saying that I'm her sixty second lover"

Have you heard about the pig that took swine flu. First It came out in rashers, then had a dose of the trotters. It then took some oinkment and ended up CURED.

And all the people either stuck in Mexico or had their holidays cancelled. They all must be as sick as a pig or they could just be a bunch of squealers.

All the media experts who are probably exaggerating the seriousness of the situation have been accused of telling porkies.

How did the pig go on holiday. The swine flu.

Have you heard about the bloke who thought he had swine flu. He went to he doctor with crackling in his ear.

I don't think we've anything to worry about from swine flu. The government won't let it into the country in case it offends the Muslems.

Then there was the bloke who got a call from his wife on his mobile. She told him that she was almost out of petrol but she was frightened to go into the garage because of swine flu. He had to explain to her that it had started in Mexico not Texaco.

It has just been announced that there's a 175% increase in husbands being assaulted by kitchen utensils. The chief medical Officer says it's now a pan-demic.

I don't mean to hogg the limelight but I'm boared with all these pig jokes.

If you get an "e" mail telling not to eat tinned pork ignore ignore it. It's probably spam.

This bloke walks into the chemist and asks for 365 condoms. "I use one every day of the year" he says to the shop assistant. "This is a leap year" relies the assistant. Are you sure you don't want 366?" "What do you think I am?. Some sort of sex maniac" replies the bloke.

Have you heard about the blonde who split up with her cross-eyed boyfriend. She thought he was seeing somebody else. boom boom

Mick says to Paddy "Has your wife had the new baby yet" "Yeah" replies Paddy "A little boy a few months back" "And what's his name?" Queries Mick "I don't know. Up till now we can't understand a word he's said. The health "n" safety were at the house last week" "What for" asks Mick. "To measure up the biscuits he was eating. They said they were doing a Rusk Assessment"

Patient to Doctor: I've just swallowed a dictionary. What will I do?

Doctor:- Don't breathe a word of it to anybody.

Week ending 07 05 09

"I want you to be truthful to me George" says the girl to he boyfriend "Are you having sex behind my back?" "Well" says George "Who the hell do you think it was?"

Have you heard about this dyslexic fellow who walked into a bra.

Q:- Why does nobody have a 12 inch nose?

A:- Because it would then be a foot.

Week ending 16 05 09

These three old ladies in the old folks home down Merry street in Motherwell discussing the thereafter. The first old dear says "when my time comes I want my ashes to be scattered in the Duchess Park. That's where my husband and I used to court many years ago and I've many fond memories of these times." The second old lady said "I would like my ashes spread around in the Strathclyde Park around the Bothwellhough memorial stone. When I first got married that's the village where we stayed and I've also got very recollectable memories of these long ago good times." When the third old biddy got her turn to speak she said "I would like my ashes spread in Tesco's car park up in Wishaw." A little agog the other two "ninety plus" ladies looked at her with a "why's that?" expression. She replied "Well, that's the only way I can be sure that my daughter will visit me every week"

In the Pub the other night Robert say's to me (I suppose I started it) "Did you see the six o'clock news to-night? The Irish police have announced that they've found Shergar. She was locked in a bread van between two outsiders"

I don't know how I missed that one but memory is a funny thing.

A husband and wife are having dinner at an exquisite restaurant when a stunningly attractive lady walks over, gives him an affectionate kiss walks away saying that she'll see him later. Of course the wife asks "Who the devil was that?" "Oh" replied the husband "She's my mistress" "Right, that's it" replied the wife "I want an immediate divorce" "Well" replied the hubby "You'll be giving up all your credit cards, Your chauffer driven Mercedes limousine, your girls only Las Vegas holidays not to mention your toy boys who I'm not supposed to know about" Just at that his best friend walked in to the Diner with an equally attractive young lady by his side. "Who's she?" asked the wife. "That's also his mistress" say's the husband. "Tut" replied the wife "ours is much more attractive than her"