John Brogan <brogan_john1@sky.com>; Tom Ross <tom_ross_uk@yahoo.co.uk>; larryhoulachan@googlemail.com

<larryhoulachan@googlemail.com>:;  John.Preston@jps-cal.co.uk <John.Preston@jps-cal.co.uk>;

Jim Robson <jamesrobson@blueyonder.co.uk>; bobandjeansinclair@googlemail.com <bobandjeansinclair@googlemail.com>;  <alison@2croftbank.co.uk>; kensmith <ken.Smith@theherald.co.uk>; ARCHIE PARK <ratpark@btinternet.com>; billandanna@blueyonder.co.uk <billandanna@blueyonder.co.uk>; KEVIN KENNEDY <kevgk@hotmail.com>; Kenny Dunlop <kenny@dunlop.org.uk>; Muriel Dunlop <muriel@dunlop.org.uk>; fmthomson@telus.net <fmthomson@telus.net>; John Angus <JAngus@mddc.co.uk>; john.mitchell111@btinternet.com <john.mitchell111@btinternet.com>; calderfabrication@yahoo.com ; thejiser@gmail.com ; john1956@live.com;  jimquigleyp1st@aol.co.uk; roockies@hotmail.co.uk;  Alex McLean <alex@colinhutton.com> tom.mcquade@hotmail.co.uk;  grizelsbo4@tiscali.co.uk; Scripts Incorporated Media <scripts@incorporatedmedia.tv>; David Park <davepark@optusnet.com.au>; Colin Dunsford <dunsford@waitrose.com>; graham mcewan <graham.onesixsix@blueyonder.co.uk> william mcewan <billymcewan1@sky.com>; yvonne park <y.park@hotmail.co.uk>; me@chris-henry.com Christine Robson <chrisrob@blueyonder.co.uk> william.porter53@ntlworld.com john houlihan <johnhoulihan2003@yahoo.co.uk>

sharonp69@yahoo.co.uk; rudejokes@thatslife.co.uk; midasmetallic@aol.com

"My wife gave me £50 and asked me to buy something that make her look pretty" Says the bloke in the pub. He continued. "She wasn't very happy when I came home from the pub pissed"

"I fell asleep last night with one eye open" Says the bloke in the pub. He continued. "Honestly folks, I didn't sleep a wink"

A bit of black tarmac walked into a pub and announced he was as hard as nails, and he would take on anybody, ordered a pint and stood at the bar. Then a piece red tarmac came in and also exclaimed he was a fighter saying he would take on anybody. The barman went up to the bit of black tarmac and said "Why don't take him on?" The black tarmac said "No way, he's a cycle-path"  

Ten catholic priests were killed in a mini bus accident. When they got to the pearly gates St. Peter said to them if any of you are paedophiles turn around and make your way down to hell. Nine of them did as said he said and St Peter shouted over to them as they walked away "Take the deef one with you as well"  

My facebook link is below

http://www.facebook.com/#!/pages/Tekla/155228551158672

As the dog sat watching the orchestra, he stared at the conductor and thought..."Just throw the f*****g thing."

WEEKLY RANTS 20 01 2012

Two Aberdonians were in the bar of the Costa Concordia when it started so sink. A steward came running and told them to abandon ship. "Bugger off" said one of them "We're all inclusive"

This bloke walked into the doctors surgery and said to the receptionist “can the doctor have a look at my willy please” “tut tut” said the receptionist “this is a public place and one shouldn’t use words like that. Call it something else” “OK” said he bloke “can the doctor take a look at my pinky?” “What exactly is the matter with your pinky” asked the receptionist “I can’t pee out of it” replied the bloke.

“Men's brains are like the prison system” Says the lady in the pub. She continued.  “Not enough cells per man.”

“My wife never wears lip stick” Says the bloke in the pub. He continued. “She can’t keep her mouth closed long enough to put it on”

Husband  “Can you make an extra effort to do yourself up for the party tonight”  Wife   “Why” Husband  “Well, my ex wife will be there and I don’t want her thinking I left her for somebody worse looking than her”

I have just heard Professor Stephen Hawkins reached 70 today .......... That's one helluva wheelchair he's got !!!!

I have just read a article in the paper about the Italian ship Costa Concordia running aground. A Mr Willits was in the Ship's theatre when it happened. He said "The theatre curtains seemed as if they were on their side and then the magician disappeared" Honestly folks, you couldn't make it up.  

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed. As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on....
Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs. ... While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight. Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go up stairs and give him the good news. As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet. 'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said. He whirled around and screamed, 'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!!!

WEEKLY RANTS 13 01 2012

Marriage isn’t a word…it’s a sentence.

 Never argue with an idiot. He may be doing the same thing.

Best friends Liz and May meet once a week for lunch and they always try and out do each other. At their latest meeting Liz notices that May is exhausted and asks what the problem is. May replies "It's my husband. He is so randy I'm finding it difficult to keep up with him" Liz says "I know, I know, I, know"

First Nurse: “I’ve scored with every available doctor in this hospital” Second Nurse: “And intern?” First Nurse: “No, not alphabetically”

This week in the year 871 King Alfred the Great defeated the Vikings at the battle of Ashdown. The Vikings went home and invented Ikea. 

Lady Astor said to Winston Churchill "Sir, if I was your wife I'd have poisoned your tea" to which Winston replied "Madam, if I was married to you, I'd drink it!"

"The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I fought him off with a vacuum cleaner" Says the bloke in the pub. He continued "Talk about Dyson with death"

"Why is it that women fake orgasms ?" Asks the bloke in the pub. He continued "Because they think us blokes care"

Some years ago, a small town in Spain twinned with a similar town in Greece and the Greek Mayor visited the Spanish town. When he saw the palatial mansion belonging to the Spanish mayor he wondered how the Spaniard could afford such a house. The Spanish mayor told him 'You see that bridge over there ? The EEC gave us a grant to build a two-lane bridge, but by building a single lane bridge with traffic lights at either end, this house could be built. A few years later the Spanish mayor visited the Greek town and was amazed at the luxurious fittings of the Greek mayors house - gold taps, marble floor, .. stupendous. When asked how this could be afforded, the Greek mayor replied 'you see that bridge over there ? ' The Spaniard replied 'No'  

"I was in a restaurant last night when I suddenly realised I needed to break wind" Says the bloke. He continued. "The music was really loud so I timed my farting to the beat of the music. A few minutes later I realised that everybody was staring at me. It was only then that I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my IPOD"

Previous Weekly Rants go to

http://www.3d-cad-steelwork.com/Weekly%20Rants.htm

WEEKLY RANTS 06 01 2012

I read an article in the Daily Record today about a bloke who crossed a Rottweiler and a Presa Canario. The headline read "A spokesman for the Kennel Club said that this would produce canines that would bite first and then ask questions later" 'Bloody hell' I thought to myself 'The pups will be able to talk as well'

I've just read in the paper that  the Austrian government have banned the telling of blonde jokes. What's the world coming to ? Anyway it reminds of these blonde jokes

What do you call an intelligent Blonde? A Golden Retriever.

My sister, Muriel gave me a book for Christmas. It was called "Are you turning into your Dad ?" by Joseph Piercy. No I'll never be like my Dad you see I can't sing and Dad can't tell jokes. When we were up visiting him during the holidays he sung his rendition of "The Bonnie Lass O' Ballochmyle" And I told jokes. What did one snowman say to the other snowman? Do you smell carrots?   

Memorable quote of 2011

"According to a survey, when asked if they would like to have sex with me, 30 per cent of woman said 'yes' -- while the other 70 per cent said 'What, again?' " Silvio Berlusconi

My old youtube stand up routine click on link below

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yg8GOwmh5aA

WEEKLY RANTS 29 12 11

Liz and I have just got booked up for 9 days in Tenerife at the end of February. It's in our favourite hotel Iberostar Playa Bouganville in San Eugene. So we are really looking forward to it especially as the Euro is now 1.17 to the Pound 

This bloke thought his wife, Barbara, was losing her hearing, so one day he decided to test it. He quietly walked in the front door and stood 30 feet behind her. "Barbara," he said, "can you hear me?" There was no response, so he moved 20 feet behind her. Barbara," he said, "can you hear me?" Still no response. He advanced to ten feet and asked "Now can you hear me?"  "Yes, dear," Barbara answered. "For the THIRD time, yes!"

A mobile phone rings in the health club changing rooms. This bloke lifts it up and answers it. The lady’s voice on the other end says “The fur coat I spoke to you about last night, it’s reduced to £399. Can I have it? “Sure darling” replies the bloke ”Just go ahead” “And the holiday in the Bahamas?” “Yea, that’s OK” “The new Mercedes?”    “Sure, honey, stick a deposit down on it. See you later bye bye.” The bloke then holds the mobile up in the air and says to the fellows around him “Anybody know who’s phone this is?”

This bloke is visiting his wife in hospital when she tells him that she’s nervous about the operation she’s having the next day. “The nurse said that it was a straightforward operation and everything would be OK” continued his wife. “There you go,” said the husband. “She’s even trying to pacify you” “She wasn’t talking to me” replied his wife “She was talking to the surgeon”

"Have you heard about the new film staring Meryl Streep as Maggie Thatcher" Says the bloke in the pub. He continued. "I think it will be unsuitable for Miners"

“The wife asked what I was doing on the internet and I said I was looking for cheap flights.” Says the bloke in the pub. He added: “She got all excited, which is strange, as she’s never shown any interest in darts before.”

The Pope finished his sermon with the Latin phrase, "Tuti Homini" - Blessed be Mankind. A women's rights group approached the Pope day asking that Womankind would also be blessed. The next day, the Pope concluded his sermon with "Tuti Homini, et Tuti Femini" - Blessed be Mankind and Womankind. The next day a gay rights group approached the Pope asking if he could bless gay people. The next day the Pope concluded his sermon with, "Tuti Homini, et Tuti Femini, et Tuti Fruiti."

WEEKLY RANTS 22 12 11

A fed up housewife telephoned her mother and complained “My backs killing me, the children are acting up, the house is a mess and I’m expecting six guests for dinner.” “Don’t worry darling. I’m coming right over. I’ll feed the children, clean up and cook diner for your guests” “You’re an angel! How’s dad?” “Dad? …..Sweetheart, you know Dad died eight years ago”  pause “What number are you calling?” “01414741258” this is “01414741259” “Oh no, I’ve dialled the wrong number.” “Hold on please” the voice wailed “Does this mean you’re not coming over?”

"I've asked Santa for a big fat bank account and a slim wife" Says the bloke in the pub. He continued. "Please don't mix them up like you did last year"

“What do you call an abortion in Prague?” Says the bloke in the pub. He continued. “A cancelled cheque”

At the end of November Liz and I took Oliver up to Aberdeen for a judo competition. Now at these type events spectators normally pay a couple of quid and you get a raffle ticket to get in and out of the hall. But no not at Aberdeen that would mean somebody buying a book of raffle tickets. In Aberdeen They stamp the back of your hand with an indelible Ink frank and it says PAID. It reminded me about the Aberdonian who wrapped up a packet of batteries for his son's Christmas. When the lad opened up the parcel there was a note along with the batteries which read "TOYS NOT INCLUDED" Anyway on the road home Liz started complaining about my driving. One of the times she told that a billboard notice just said that vehicle speeds had to be under 50 MPH. I advised her that was for vehicles over 7.5 tonnes and I was aware that she was putting on the pounds but she hadn't quite reached that weight yet.

"The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is having sex
with me" Says the bloke in the pub. He continued. "I think it's because she can't afford batteries"
 

"My husband thinks he's a wit" Says the lady in the pub. She continued. "Well, I suppose you could say he's half right there"

I was in the garage shop at the end of the road this morning for my papers when this bloke came in and asked for a coin for the air pressure machine. When the teller said that'll be a £1 he said "That's a disgrace charging that amount to blow up your tyres" She smirkingly replied "That's inflation for you sir" Honestly folks you couldn't make it up.

"My wife's ran off with my best friend" Says the bloke in the pub. He continued. "Whoever he is"

My weekly rants 16 12 11 back because of numerous requests

My daughter, Yvonne got a telephone call from the headmistress at Oliver's School earlier in the week. Seemingly Oliver (my grandson) had told his teacher he couldn't do the Xmas pantomime as his judo class was on that night. As Miss Ashworth pleaded with Yvonne to get him to change his mind I decided to the afternoon matinee. Gosh what a sweet, melodic voice he has. I think it must run in the family genes. My father has a good singing voice his party piece being "The soor mulk cairt" My wife, Liz's father sung "I'll take you home again Kathleen" While her mother sung "Rose of Tralee" The problem is I was left me out of it, however I can tell jokes. When I asked Oliver what his favourite songs were he said "Price Tag" by Jessie Jay and "Rolling in the deep" by Adele. What a difference a couple of generations make in the type of music which is popular. 

"Why does it take longer to build a snowman than a snow-woman?" Asks the lady in the pub. When nobody answered she continued. "It takes longer to hollow out the man's head"

"They've finally finished painting the Forth Bridge" Says the bloke in the pub. He continued. "Just what Scotland needs. Eighteen more unemployed people"

A young woman visits her parents and brings her fiancé to meet them. After an elaborate dinner, the mother tells her
husband to find out about the young man. The father invites the fiancée to his library for a drink. “So what are your
plans?” The father asks the young man. “I am a Torah scholar.” He says. “A Torah scholar, Hmmm,” the father says.
“Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she is accustomed to?” “I will
study,” the young man said, and God will provide for us.” “And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such
as she deserves?” asks the father. “I will concentrate on my studies,” the young man replies, “God will provide for us.”
“And children?” asks the father. “How will you support children?” “Don’t worry, sir, God will provide,” replies the
fiancé. The conversation continues like this, and each time the father questions, the young idealist insist that God
will provide. Later, the mother asks, “How did it go, Honey?” The father answers, “He has no job and no plans, but the
good news is he thinks I’m God.”
 

"I saw the Panda's arriving at Edinburgh airport on the television" Says the bloke in the pub. He continued. "Isn't it great living in a country that has more pandas than Tory MPs?"

 

"A bloke who works beside me is nicknamed The Wife" Says the bloke in the pub. He continued. "It's because his fellow workers claim he always takes things the wrong way"
 

The teacher said to little Johnny "Can you tell me the name of three great kings who have brought happiness and peace into people's lives?" Little Johnny replied "drin-King jo-King and bon-King" 

"I have a drink problem" Says the bloke in the pub. He continued. "My wife told me to go to BUPA but I did the complete opposite. I went to A PUB"

"Do you know the only thing I've got in common with my husband?" Asks the lady in the pub. She continued. “We got married on the same day

"My wife was trying on a new dress and she asked me what would go well with it" Says the bloke in the pub. He continued. "I replied 'Your sister's body' "

"My husband treats me like a dog" Says the lady in the pub. She continued. "He wants me to be faithful to him" 

"My wife likes rough sex" Says the bloke in the pub. He continued. "Every time she climaxes she punches me in the face. The problem is I've just discovered she's been faking it"

"I phoned my boss this morning to tell him I wouldn't be at work today as I was sick. He asked how sick I was" says the bloke in the pub. He continued. 'I replied "Well, I'm in bed with my mother-in-law" '

"I remember introducing my first girlfriend to my father" Says the bloke in the pub. He continued "I said 'This is Amanda' he replied 'looks like a wummin to me' "
 

"I love it when the wife puts on her nurses uniform" Says the bloke in the pub. He continued. "It means she's off to work!"

A man was having a pint in a posh pub when he made eye contact with a lovely young girl who smiled at him, so he smiled back.
He thought his luck was in, so he gave her a little wave and in an instant she came over to his table and asked if he wanted a drink. "You're a bit forward, aren't you ?" He said "No" She answered "I'm the waitress"

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside. He looked up and said weakly:
'I have something I must confess.' 'There's no need to, 'his wife replied.
'No,' he insisted, 'I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend,
her best friend, and your mother!' 'I know,' she replied. 'Now you just rest easy and
let the poison work.'

 The wee Scottish wife

Wee Jimmy had just finished a new book called “How to be the Man of your House” and decided he was taking action. He barges into the kitchen and announces to his wee Scottish wife, Mary, that “frae noo oan, you need tae ken that am the man o’ this hoose and ma word is law. Right”.
 “So, the nicht, you’ll prepare me a gourmet meal o’ ma choice and then, when I’m finished eating you’ll serve me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner, you’re comin up the stairs wi’ me an we’ll hae the kinda sex that a want for as long as a want it, and then you’ll run me a bath so a can relax. You’ll wash my back, then dry me wi the towel and then help me intae ma fleecy Rangers pyjamas before you massage ma hauns an feet.  
Then the morra mornin, guess who’s gonnae dress me, an comb ma hair?” 

“Well,” says Mary, “the f*** ing funeral director would be ma first guess.”
 

"I had Curried Pelican at the local Indian restaurant last night" Says the bloke in the pub. He continued "It was ok but the bill was enormous!"

A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the bottle. During her struggle the phone rang, so she asked her four year old daughter to answer it. She said "Mummy can't come to the phone right now, 'she's hitting the bottle'"

The Pope finished his sermon with the Latin phrase, "Tuti Homini" - Blessed be Mankind. A women's rights group approached the Pope day asking that Womankind would also be blessed. The next day, the Pope concluded his sermon with "Tuti Homini, et Tuti Femini" - Blessed be Mankind and Womankind. The next day a gay rights group approached the Pope asking if he could bless gay people. The next day the Pope concluded his sermon with, "Tuti Homini, et Tuti Femini, et Tuti Fruiti."

A Pakistani couple had just left a Court after their Divorce. The woman was really upset and crying. The man put his arm around the woman and say's "don't worry, we can still be cousins"
 

This bloke is standing outside the door of a pub having a fag when the barman comes out and says "Move along please. The no smoking regulations say that you must be at least 6 feet from the door" The bloke replies "But I'm drinking in that pub across the road"

I just read a piece in the paper about Frank Carson interviewing Dawn French. Frank asked Dawn what was her favourite musical instrument while she was at school. she replied "The dinner-bell"

"All men think they are marrying nymphomaniacs" Says the bloke in the pub. "trouble is" He continued "After a few years the nympho leaves and you are left with a maniac"

“The wife says we would have less arguments if I wasn’t so pedantic.” Says the bloke in the pub. He continued “So I told her that surely she meant ‘fewer’.”

“The wife asked what I was doing on the internet and I said I was looking for cheap flights.” Says the bloke in the pub. He added: “She got all excited, which is strange, as she’s never shown any interest in darts before.”

Another crisis has broken out In the Middle East. The authorities in Dubai have stopped a television station from broadcasting the Flintstones. They say the local people wouldn't get the humour but we all know that Abu Dhabi Do.

A little girl said "Mum, how did humans come into existence?" "Well" Mum replied "In the beginning God made Adam and Eve, they had children, there children had children and so on and now here we are" When she asked her father about it he said we evolved from monkeys. Perplexed the little girl told her mother about this. Mum replied "When I said it was from Adam and Eve I was talking about my ancestry.

Brother-in-law joke

http://www.facebook.com/note.php?created&&note_id=200249883359223#!/profile.php?id=100001226385496

What film does a prostitute hate the most? Free Willy

Received this "e" mail this morning.

"I was in a romantic mood last night so I said to my girlfriend 'I want to be a part of your body'" Says the bloke in the pub. He continued. "She replied 'no thanks, I already have an arsehole!'"

 A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello. He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says, 'Do you know me?' To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.' Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful t...o his wife and says, 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???' She looks into his eyes and says calmly, 'No, I'm your son's teacher.'

"I've often wanted to drown my troubles" Says the bloke in the pub. He continued "But I can't get my wife to go swimming"

The blonde says..8 qualities of a perfect boyfriend... Brave, Intelligent, Gentle, Polite, Energetic, Non-alcoholic, Industrious,

Self-organised. In short, B.I.G.P.E.N.I.S

I was in the pub last night with the missus when I said "I love you" She asked: "Is that you or the drink talking?"

I replied "It's me talking to the drink!"

A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology
and explaining the phenomenon of "mixed emotions". The husband turned
to his wife and said, "Honey, that is a bunch of crap. I bet you can't tell me
...anything that will make me happy and sad at the same time.
...The wife said " out of all your friends you have the biggest dick!"

Two informally dressed ladies happened to start-up a conversation during an
endless wait in Toronto's Terminal 3 airport. The first lady was an Upper
Canadian married to a wealthy business man. The second was a well-mannered
elderly woman from Bell Island, Newfoundland. When the conversation centred
on whether they had any children, the Upper Canadian woman started by saying,
"When my first child was born, my husband built a beautiful mansion for me."
The lady from Bell Island commented, "Well, isn't that precious?" The first woman continued,
"When my second child was born, my husband bought me a beautiful Mercedes-Benz. Again,
the lady from Bell Island commented, "Well, isn't that precious?" The first woman continued boasting,
"Then, when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet. Yet again,
the Bell Island lady commented, "Well, isn't that precious?" The first woman then asked her companion,
"What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child?" "My husband sent me to charm school,"
declared the Bell Island lady. "Charm school?" the first woman cried, "Oh, my Lord! What on earth for?"
The elderly Bell Island lady responded, "Well as an example, instead of saying, "Who gives a Fuck?",
I learned to say, "Well, isn't that precious . . . . "

I was called into my manager's office today because of my dress code. He said, "You can't wear pyjamas for work."
I said, "Everyone else does." He said, "That's because they're patients."

"Scientists have discovered a human jaw bone that is over 2 millions years old" Says the bloke in the pub. He continued                                               "They believe it belonged to a woman as it was still moving"

"After my honeymoon I felt like a new man" says the bloke in the pub. He continue "Unfortunately, so did my wife"

"The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner" says the bloke in the pub

He continued "talk about Dyson with death"

I was driving to work to day when I saw an RAC van with the guy who was driving it crying his eyes out....really sobbing he was" says the bloke in the pub He continued "I thought 'he must be heading for a breakdown'"..

A man goes into a bookstore and asks the young lady assistant, "Do you have the new book for men
with short penises? I can't remember the title." She says, "I'm not sure if it's in yet."
He replies, "That's the one! I'll take a copy."

A traveller through England on vacation lost his wallet and all of his identification. Cutting his trip short,
he attempted to make his way home but was stopped by the Australian Customs Agents at the airport.
"May I see your identification, please?" asked the agent. "I'm sorry, but
I lost my wallet," replied the bloke. "Sure mate, I hear that every day. No ID, no entry,"
said the agent. "But I can prove I'm an Australian!" he exclaimed. "I have a picture of Bob Hawke
tattooed on one side of my arse and Paul Keating on the other.." "This I gotta see, “replied the agent.
With that, the bloke dropped his strides and showed the agent his behind. "By hell, you're right!"
exclaimed the agent. "Have a safe trip back to Melbourne ." "Thanks!" he said. "But how did you
know I was from Melbourne ?" The agent replied, "I recognized Gillard in the middle."

We went to see Craig Hill at the Oran Mor on Friday night. Honestly folks It's the first time I've seen that guy for about 20 years when he used to be on a Friday night telly comic show. He reminded me about the old school play ground joke about the poofter who becomes pregnant. The doctor says to him 'think back. who is the father?'" He replies "Do you think I've got eyes in the back of my head?"

Check to see if you have been caught on camera speeding  

http://www.i-database.net/index1.php

Weekly Rant w/e 04-03-2011

I received two phone calls this week about my "name and shame" web page. The first bloke complemented

me on it and said  "well done, good on you"  The second bloke said he was taking me to court for libel.

Have a look at it below and tell me what you think.
 

http://www.3d-cad-steelwork.com/Name%20and%20Shame.htm

This bloke is getting a lift in his friend’s new Rolls Royce. As they’re travelling along the road he say’s “This is a terrific car, real leather upholstery, veneered mahogany surround and look!!, at the instrumentation.” The driver asks “Haven’t you ever been in a Rolls Royce before?” “Oh yes” Replies the passenger. “But never in the front seat”

A soldier who is on a long term of duty in Afghanistan receives a photograph from his girlfriend which shows a couple arm in arm while she sits alone to one side. In the accompanying letter she explains that she is being very good and saving herself for him. Delighted, he shows the photograph and letter to a friend. His pal studies it for a few moments and then say’s “Yes, but who took the picture?”

Muammar Gaddafi decides to bail out. As he is travelling across the desert his camel went lame.  He came across a village and ordered the two leading tribesmen to bring their best camel to his tent. Neither wanted to give up they’re animal and both proclaimed that their camel’s were useless. “We’ll settle it with a race” said Muammar. “But sir” said one of Gaddafi's helpers “Neither man will let his camel go fast”. Yes they will” replied Gaddafi “let each man ride the other’s camel”

The irate young man stormed into the chemist’s and said “That ointment you sold me to increase the size of my penis doesn’t work. I want my money back.” He assured the chemist that he had applied it as per the instructions which said, “rub it in” “Ah, but you didn’t read the small print.” Said the chemist “It say’s to be rubbed on penis by 20 year old blonde”

“DO you ever miss the ex?” a woman meeting her girlfriends for a drink asked in Glasgow’s west end.
“Oh all the time,” replied one of her pals. “You wouldn’t believe how much.” “But I thought you hated his guts?”
replied the first woman. “Wait a minute,” replied her pal. “Did you say ‘ex’ or ‘sex’?”

last Saturday we had to look after our two grand kids. Liz said that she couldn't be bothered cooking diner so she

would phone up for some food. After she had ordered something for herself me and Oliver she said my granddaughter

is a vegetarian so I'll have a no. 27 for her. I lifted up the menu that had had been put through the door a few

days earlier it read 27) Vegetarian Aromatic Crispy Duck (served with pancake, spring onion, cucumber & hoi sin sauce)   = £5.60

I think the Chief must have been a bit Bird Brained.

The husband phones the doctor and tells him that his wife has swallowed a mouse. The doctor tells him to dangle a piece of

cheese and he'll be there shortly. When the doctor arrived It's a sardine that's on the end of the string. When the doctor asked what was

going the the husband informed him that the cat had jumped in after the mouse. Now, when I previously heard this joke

it was a bit funnier. Right enough it wasn't the woman's mouth that the mouse jumped into.

I've just read a book about a region in Mongolia where polyandry is the norm. Yes, a woman having two or more husbands.

One can imagine polygamy (A bloke having two or more wives)  But a number of men sharing a wife !! It just shows you

some women must like a gang bang or a roasting as it's called now..

The late Dave Allan on youtube

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MS5P6GcUC4s&feature=youtu.be

Weekly Rant w/e 25-02-2011

We watched Brendon O'Carroll's Mrs. Brown's Boys last Monday night. It's outrageously hilarious. Now Brendan's stage name is Agnes.

After one of Agnes's quirky remarks somebody in the audience shouted up "Typical wuman" Agnes replied "Away you go you silly c**t

I'm a f*****g man dressed up as a f*****g wuman. The auld grampa figure sitting in the chair says "Haw hen, I'm feeling awful today"

Agnes replies "At your age you're not supposed to feel any other way"  I have never laughed as much in my life. I can't wait so see the

next five episodes. for more info go to

http://www.eveningtimes.co.uk/features/editor-s-picks/now-mrs-brown-is-a-star-on-the-box-1.1086282

can be seen on the web link

http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b00x17n9

This couple were at a marriage guidance clinic for the first time. When the councillor asked them what the problem was

she said "It's him he has become very rude when we're in company" "I am not" replied the husband "Anyway,

I'll need to go to the loo. I'll be back in two shakes"  

I was in the pub last night having a beer with my missus when I said 'I love you' She asked "Is that you or the beer talking?"

says the bloke in the pub "I replied 'It's me talking to the beer'"

This was printed a few years back in the Herald when Sarah Park (my granddaughter) left Ladywell Primary to go to Dalziel High.

THE end of the school year reminds John Park in Motherwell of when his granddaughter marked the end of her time at primary school by going out with her pals in a stretch limo. When the car arrived, the chauffeur produced a bottle in an ice bucket and poured her a drink into a champagne flute. John was dispatched to check what was being poured and confirmed it was lemonade. Nevertheless he returned and told his wife: "It's okay. He says he's got a special licence from the council to serve alcohol to 12-year-olds when they're in his car." His enjoyment in watching his wife fly down the path to berate the driver was, of course, short-lived.

I found this when I was tidying up some old folders.

Glesga Nick Names

Two Soups - his real name is Campbell Baxter.

Norrie Two Bunnets - the Glasgow taxi-driver who wears a wig under his cloth cap.

The Colostomy - the girlfriend of a married man (ie. the wee bag on the side).

The Boomerang Kid - whenever anyone at work asks a question, he always replies: 'I'll get back to you on that.'

The Parachute - lets everyone down at the last minute.

Cashline - an experienced young lass who's open 24 hours a day.

Vaseline - his real name is Willie Burns.

Rembrandt - loves saying to colleagues: 'Let me put you in the picture...'

Brewer's Droop - his real name is Willie Falls .

The Genie - magically appears whenever anyone opens a bottle.

The Marksman - when it's his turn to buy a round, he always shoots the craw

Dulux - his pals reckon he's only got one coat.

Soapy - washes his hands of any problems that crop up.

The Yeti - always on the sick, there have been many unconfirmed sightings of this guy, but nobody can prove he actually exists.

The Gas Man - he's serviced loads of old boilers.

The Hostage - when anyone asks for help he always replies: 'Sorry, my hands are tied.

The Chernobyl Jannie - during the mid-Eighties this guy had a really bad complexion.

The Woodpecker - he's always tapping.

Mussolini - a woman in an office in Glasgow who has rather loose morals (aka the great dicktaker)

Weekly Rant w/e 18-02-2011

This young lad went up to a policeman and said "Can you help me officer, my dad is in a fight?" "Led the way"

says the cop. When they went round the corner there were two blokes knocking hell out of each other.

"Which one is your dad" asked the copper.  "I don't" replied the lad "That's what they're fighting over"

"After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex I woke up to find myself next to a really ugly woman" says the bloke in the pub

"That's when I realised I had made it home safely"

"My wife must be a drug pusher" says the bloke in the pub "A guy phoned last night and asked if the dope was away?"

A guy was on that Mr. and Mrs. television show. When he was asked what was his wife's favourite flower, he replied

'Homepride self raising'"

"My wife must be a Coastguard" says the bloke in the pub "A guy phoned last night and asked if the coast was clear?"

I asked my missus if we could try the Chilean Miner position the other night. She asked if it was the one where she
goes deep down my shaft and stays there until she needs to come up for air? I told her no, its the one where she
clears off and I don’t see her for three months.

This cartoon came about one Saturday afternoon. We came out of the old Asda in Motherwell and as we drove past Watson Street

I noticed this bloke walking down the road with a supermarket trolley. I said to myself 'there's something funny about this' I doodled about

with it for half an hour and came up with this cartoon. It was published in two national newspapers netting me £80, not bad for

under an hours work.
 

Weekly Rant w/e 11-02-2011

The Egyptian Government have come up with a plan to try and quell the riots in Cairo. Get in a car, honk the horn

and chill out. They are calling it Toot N Calm Down. 

Last Saturday we were up visiting my mother and father. As I drove down the street dad said "never mind

"the auld wine" it's a bit rowdy in there, go to the 32 club. Honestly folks we walked into the bar and the

"Heart of Midlothian Flute Band" were all around the pool table giving it laldy. Don't get me wrong they were pretty good

but when it came to them singing the 'sash' the whole place erupted. Talk about a quiet pint on a Saturday afternoon

this pub must have been as far away from that as you can get. Right enough, what do you expect in the quaint Lanarkshire

village of Shotts. 

The windy weather last weekend reminded me of this one.

"What's does a 200 mph hurricane and a divorce have in common?" asks the bloke in the pub

"Well, with both of them you can lose half your house"

Supplied by Christine Robson

This young Scottish lad and lass were sitting on a low stone wall, holding hands, gazing out over the loch.
For several minutes they sat silently. Finally the girl looked at the boy and said, "A penny for your thoughts, Angus."
"Well, uh, I was thinkin'...perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss." The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him
lightly on the cheek. Then he blushed. The two turned once again to gaze out over the loch. Minutes passed and the
girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus." "Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's noo time aboot
time for a wee cuddle." The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him for a few seconds. Then he blushed.
Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch. After a while, she again said, "Another penny for your
thoughts, Angus." "Well, uh, I was thinkin' it's aboot time you let me put my hand on your leg." The girl blushed,
then took his hand and put it on her knee. Then he blushed. Then the two of them turned once again to gaze out over
the lock before the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus." The young man glanced down with
a furled brow. "Well, noo," he said, "My thoughts are a wee bit more serious this time." "Really?" said the lass in a
whisper, filled with anticipation. "Aye," said the lad, nodding. The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush, and
bit her lip in anticipation of the ultimate request. Then he said, "Dae ye nae think it's aboot time ye paid me the
first three pennies?"

Supplied by John Brogan

Weekly Rant w/e 04-02-2011

"I was at the doctor today to ask for some sleeping pills for my wife" Says the bloke in the pub "When the Doc

asked me why I wanted them I replied 'because she keeps me awake' " 

While we were walking along the front in Tenerife last week we came across a stall full of fish tanks. Yes, it was

sign posted as Foot Massage but it was actually little fish like sticklebacks that eat all the dead skin from your

feet. Liz said it was just a slight tickling sensation. I couldn't help think to myself. Sarah Ferguson's accountant

John Bryan has definitely started something there.

"I said to my husband the the other day that I wanted him to spice up our love live" says the lady in the pub.

"So he's started eating curries in bed"

I don't normally pass these links on but the one below is definitely worth a watch

http://www.parkwayreststop.com/archives/2937

"I've just read a book called 'Short Skirts for Ladies'" says the bloke in the pub. "It was written by Seymore Legge"

"I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said I had the biggest penis she has ever laid her hands on"

says the bloke in the pub. "I said 'you're pulling my leg' "

"I think my girlfriend has had 61 lovers before she met me" says the bloke in the put. "Because she always says

I am her sixty second lover"

Another Oldie from John Brogan

The Swede's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball,
a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.
'Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any skivvies?', Ole demanded.
Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any.'
The Swede immediately reaches into his pocket and says, 'For the sake of
decency, here's a 50. Go and buy yourself some underwear.'
Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt
also blows up to show that she, too, is wearing no undies. 'Blessed Virgin Mary,
woman! You've no knickers. Why not?' She replies, 'I can't afford any on the
money you give me.' Patrick reaches into his pocket and says , 'For the
sake of decency, here's a 20. Go and buy yourself some underwear!'
Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her
head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it. 'Sweet mudder of Jaysus, Aggie!
Where ta friggin hell are yer drawers?' She too explains, 'You dinna give me
enough money ta be able ta affarrd any.' The Scotsman reaches into his pocket
and says, 'Well, fer the love 'o decency, here's a comb.....
Tidy yerself up a bit."  .

A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms and no legs.
Three women, from England , Wales , and Scotland , were walking past and
felt sorry for the poor man. The English woman said, 'Have you ever had a hug?'
The man said, 'No,' so she gave him a hug and walked on. The Welsh woman said,
'Have you ever had a kiss?' The man said, 'No,' so she gave him a kiss and walked on.
The Scottish woman came to him and said, 'ave ya ever been fooked laddie?' The man
broke into a big smile and said, 'no'. She said, 'Aye - Ya will be when the tide comes in.'
A truly touching story. The last time I heard this story it was a mermaid.

"Why do married men die before married women?" asks the bloke in the pub "Because they want to"

"Times are tough, but look at it on the bright side" says the bloke in the pub

"at least putting £20 of petrol in the car is a lot quicker these days" This joke reminded me of a cartoon of mine

below which was published in a couple of daily papers about 20 years ago.

Weekly Rant w/e 28-01-2011

We're just back from a week's holiday in Tenerife. It didn't start off very well. Despite having confirmation paperwork saying

that our luggage was included Thomas Cook demanded £80 from us for two cases. I booked the holiday via a web link on Ken

Smith of the Herald's diary web site. I reckon it's an internet scam and I don't think I'll get my money back. 

   Later on in the day as we walked by the Veronicas area in Tenerife this bloke approached me like a long lost brother.

He put his right hand over my shoulder, pulled me in tight while his left hand tried to take my wallet out my back

trouser pocket. I got a hold of his wrist to stop him and at the same time got my elbow back enough to hit him a

cracker of a punch right in the middle of his coupon. It was such a good punch I skinned two of my knuckles.

It was worth it to see him running away like a scalded cat with the blood spewing out of his nose

 Liz said to me "I've never known you to do anything like that before" I replied "Nobody has ever tried to steal my

wallet before"

I particularly liked some of the stickers you see on the racks in front of the shops. like "Wife and dog lost. Reward 100 Euros

for return of dog"   "Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs'"  "I didn't really want a kitchen" said the fed up house wife

"But it came with the house"

on the Saturday night we went out to an Irish pub called "The Hole in the wall" It's half way along the strip which

is behind the Vulcano Hotel. The singer in there is a guy called Fergal Flatery. Half way through the night he announced

that the next song was going to be ""Rivers of Babylon" But it's not me that's going to sing it. Welcome on stage Danniel

O'Donnel. Liz was ecstatic"

One night we went into a pub across the the road from the Bouganville Playa Iberostar. This bloke came speeding along the

pavement in a mobility vehicle. He stopped outside the bar strutted up to the bar and ordered a whisky and beer and sat at the

table next to us. liz and I looked at him, then looked over at the invalid carriage. He replied "I know what you are thinking, but it's

not the case. That's my wife's, I'm taking it along to the shop to get it up-graded" Later on there was quite a good Karaoke on.

Now the name of the pub was the Pheasant Plucker. At the poolside the next morning Liz was telling the couple on the sun beds

next to us about the night out. When Liz was asked the name of the pub she stuttered a little then replied "The Pleasant Fucker"

On the last night of the holiday we went to the Corner Bar on the strip to see Billy Porter. Now I'm not kidding you folks

that guy is the best stand up comic I've ever heard. I was told he was very rude and crude but I didn't find that the case.   

Of course it may have been because his mother Cathy Porter, who sometimes sings with Margaret Purser in the Miners Welfare,

along with his father and two older sisters were in the audience. When I spoke to Billy after his stint he unashamedly

said that if he wasn't a willie woofter he would have no material, no act and no job.

"My wife has a terrible memory" Says the bloke in the pub. "What" says the barman "She forgets everything?"

"No" said the bloke "She remembers everything"

"My wife becomes more attractive after the odd drink" Says the bloke in the pub "Usually the seventh or the ninth"

"My wife's a nature lover" Says the bloke in the pub "Despite what it's done to her"

"My wife's got pout lips" Says the bloke in the pub "The last time I saw a mouth like hers Robson Green was removing

a hook from it"

For backdates go to

http://www.3d-cad-steelwork.com/Weekly%20Rants.htm

Weekly Rant w/e 14-01-2011

Pub Trivia Ask somebody to add the last two digits of the year they were born to the age they'll be this year.

It always comes to 111

The fellow forced a Texas bank teller to load a sack full of cash
On his way out the door, a brave Texas customer grabbed the guy’s hood
and pulled it off revealing the robber’s face. The robber shot the customer
without a moment’s hesitation. He then looked around the bank and noticed
one of the tellers looking straight at him. The robber instantly shot him also.
Everyone else, by now very scared, looked intently down at the floor in silence.
The robber yelled, ‘Well, did anyone else see my face?’ There are a few moments
of utter silence in which everyone was plainly afraid to speak. Then, one old
cowboy tentatively raised his hand, and while keeping his head down said,
‘I think my wife got a pretty good look at you.’

Supplied by John Brogan. I've heard this joke quite a few times but the above must the best telling of it.

"I read in the paper that two Pandas are coming to Scotland" Says the bloke in the pub. "That's all we need; more f*****g immigrants"

Seemingly there's a problem getting panda's to breed. Well, it's understandable. How would you like to shag somebody

who looks exactly the same as yourself.

"My wife has left me. She says I love football more than I love her." Says the bloke in the pub. "I'm gutted; after all

we've been together for ten seasons."

"I'm going home early tonight" Says the bloke in the pub "My wife's got laryngitis and I don't want to miss a minute of it"

"Do you know the most pleasurable act a woman has ever bestowed on me?" ask the bloke in the pub "Divorce"

"How many animals should a woman keep?" Asks the lady in the pub.

"Four:- A stallion in bed, a mink for the wardrobe, a Jaguar in the garage and a great big ass to pay for it all"  

A guy walks into a bar and asks for a Billy Connolly. "What's a Billy Connolly?" Asks the bemused barman. "A large scotch"

says the bloke. "That's not very funny" Says the barman. "Neither is Billy Connolly" said the bloke.  

"My lack of laughter lines isn't because of Botox" says the lady in the pub "It's because of marriage"

When I was up visiting my Dad last weekend he mentioned that we were related to Robert Burns. In the later
years of Burn's life he fathered a daughter with a barmaid in the Globe Tavern in Dumfries. Her name was
Anna Park and the child's name was Elizabeth Park. So, maybe that's where my talent comes from. For more
info go to  http://www.3d-cad-steelwork.com/Park_Family_Tree.htm

I got a telephone call from a lecturer at Heriot Watt University recently. I put some typical steelwork drawings on my web site

that could be down loaded. He asked if it was all right for him to use them in some engineering course he was doing.

I felt quite chuffed about it.

Weekly Rant w/e 07-01-2011

"My husband thinks he is a wit" says the lady in the pub "Well, I suppose you could say he's half right"

The seventeen year old lad  hated going to family weddings ... all of his aunts and the grandmotherly
types used to come up to him, poke him in the ribs, cackle, and tell him, "You're next." ... At
the next wedding none of his relatives did this. His mother thought this strange so she approached
him and asked why the kidding had stopped. He replied “at the funeral we were at last week I did the same to all of them”
 

Tommy Sheriden has been approached by Disney productions. They want to

make a film about his latest escapades in the High court. It's going to be called

the Lying Cheetah.

this tourist was walking through London when he stopped a local and in broken English asked him where

so-and-so street was. For a few moments the local was confused, then the penny dropped and he said

"Oh you mean Threadneedle Street"

"I was sitting next to my mate the other day" says the blonde in the pub. "I phoned her mobile by mistake - that was a close call"

"I'm going to open an Italian funeral parlour" Says the bloke in the pub. "I think I'll call it Pasta Way"

The Jealous barmaid looks over at the brunette sitting in the corner and says to her mate. "She's been under more sheets

than the Ku Klux Klan"

"It's not a bald patch" Says the hairless guy in the pub. "It's a solar panel for a sex machine"

"My wife always laughs while we're having sex" says the bloke in the pub. He continued. "No matter what she's reading"

Motherwell's Tam Cowan in trouble again.

http://blogs.dailyrecord.co.uk/tamcowan/2010/10/neil-lennon-will-turn-into-a-c.html?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=feed&utm_campaign=Feed:+TheDailyRecord/TamCowan+(The+Daily+Record+-+Tam+Cowan

http://www.talkceltic.net/forum/celtic-chat/91854-fatboy-hun-tam-cowan-9.html

"Have you seen who's knocking about with that old bag again?" Asks the bloke in the pub. "Who?" somebody shouts out.

"Santa Clause" said the bloke.

"I bought a large bottle of tipex this morning" says the blonde in the pub. She continued "It was a big mistake"

I have just added this page to my web site

http://www.3d-cad-steelwork.com/Forbes%20Gentleman.htm

Weekly Rant w/e 17-12-2010

Johnny, the farmer’s son is walking along the road with the cow on a lead. Mary the neighbouring farmer’s
daughter is coming the other way and as she passes him she says, “Where are you going with the cow Johnny?”
“I’m taking him down to the low field where the bull is” replies Johnny. “I thought that would have been a job for
your big brother or your father?” says Mary. “Nope” replies little Johnny “It’s got to be the bull”


A few days after major surgery the doctor agrees to let this bloke out of hospital if he takes a course of
suppository painkillers. The doctor gives him the first one and tells him to insert one every 6 hours thereafter.
When it was time for the second one he approached his wife who pulls his pants down, bends him over a chair,
puts one hand on his shoulder rams the capsule home with the end of a brush shaft. “Bloody hell” shouted the
bloke hysterically “When the doctor did that he had a hand on each of my shoulders”
 

The lady goes to the doctor complaining about a sore back. After numerous “x” rays and tests the doc admits he’s
unable to find the cause. As a last resort he asks her if she has changed any of her physical habits recently.
The lady blushed and stammered a little saying “Er, yes, sex, I now do it doggie style” “That’s it” said the quack
“You’ll have to go back to face to face” “I can’t do that” retorted the woman “My alsation’s breath stinks”
 

 Lady to husband “My mother says you’re not fit to live with pigs, but I stuck up for you. I said you were”

Bloke goes to a psychiatrist and tells him that every so often he has an irresistible urge to have sex with
one of his patients. “You’ll have to control yourself” replies the shrink “You’ve a moral code to obey. Being
a doctor..” “A Doctor, a doctor…….. “ interrupts the bloke “I’m a bloody vet”
 

This bloke is visiting his wife in hospital when she tells him that she’s nervous about the operation she’s
having the next day. “The nurse said that it was a straightforward operation and everything would be OK”
continued his wife. “There you go,” said the husband. “She’s even trying to pacify you” “She wasn’t talking
to me” replied his wife “She was talking to the surgeon”  

More snow jokes

"What did one snowman say to the other snowman" Asks the bloke in the pub. When nobody answered he continued.

"Do you smell carrots?"

“I’m on the snow diet." says the lady in the pub "Nae breid!”

"I love it when we get heavy snow" says the bloke in the pub. He continued "It's the only time my garden looks as good

as the one next door"

"What's the difference between a snow man and a snow woman?" asks the bloke in the pub. when no one answered he

continued "Snow balls" 

Weekly Rant w/e 10-12-2010

Wullie Whyte was the topic of discussion in the Club the other Sunday. Yes, it was Davie Whyte the ex manager of Rangers's brother.

Anyway a few years back his wife Jean took unwell. Wullie was left to look after things. Jean was in bed and asked Wullie for a cup of tea.

After Wullie put on the kettle he went into the bedroom and asked Jean what she took in her tea. "A spot of milk and one sugar"

was the reply. As Wullie was giving Jean her tea he said to her "What do I take in my tea?"

Yes, and Bernard Mathews has passed away. He didn't leave any instructions as who he wanted buried. So the family decided

to have him cremated. It was decided that ten hours at gas mark six would do the trick. 

The best jokes are the ones that happen in real life. Liz and I were coming home from visiting my parents early one Saturday

evening. We decided to stop in at the Railway Tavern for a quick drink. At the end of the bar there was a mother and daughter

standing. They were sipping diet coke from a can they each had. The mother excused herself and went to the toilet. Right away

the daughter gave her half empty can to the barman and got him to put three vodkas in it. It's the first time I've seen a barman hold

an open can up to an optic measure.

"What is the capital of Ireland?" Asks the bloke in the pub. He continued "About five euros"

The punk rocker with a Walkman goes into the barbers shop and says ”hay man, cut my hair man, and leave
the earphones in or I’m dead, man” A bit intrigued the barber proceeds to cut his hair however curiosity
gets the better of him and he pulls the earphones off. The punk rocker drops down dead. The barber lifts
the earphones up, puts them to his ear, listens and hears Breath in, Breath out, Breath in………

A forty-year-old lady wins the lottery. As she has an obsession to have sex with a virgin man she hires a
detective who arranges her to meet an Aborigine. When she walks into the hotel room he is moving all the
furniture to the side. She says to him “What are you doing?” “I’ve never had sex with a woman before”
Say’s the Aborigine, “But if it’s the same as a kangaroo we’ll need more room than this”

Snow Jokes

Tony Blair was walking through the park. He came across this writing in pee on the snow. it said Tony is a wanker.

He telephoned the police and demanded that they get the person responsible. Later on that day the police called on

Tony. They told him they had the urine analysed and it was his brothers. Tony was really upset. The chief inspector

told him not to worry sometimes brother to brother relationships get a bit a bit strained . "It's not so much that" replied

Tony "I've just realised it's in Cherie's hand writing"

Q:- Why does it take longer to make a snow-woman than a snowman?

A:- It's the time it takes to hollow out the snow-woman's head   

Weekly Rant w/e 26-11-2010

Husband to Wife:- When we argue you never seem to get upset. How is that?

Wife:- I just go into the toilet and clean the WC with your toothbrush.

"I played my first game of snooker today" Said the bloke in the pub. He continued "I made a break of 121.

Potted a red, then a yellow and then another red"

A young lady came home from a date, rather sad. She told her mother, "Jeff proposed to me an hour ago."
"Then why are you so sad?" her mother asked. "Because he also told me he was an atheist. Mom, he doesn't
even believe there's a hell." Her mother replied, "Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we'll show
him how wrong he is."

“If the refs go on strike" Says the Motherwell fan in the Electric bar "do Rangers and Celtic still pay their wages?”

Two women were attending a funeral of a friend who had been married 8 times. One sighed and said, "They're together at last."
"Which husband are you talking about?" the other asked. "None of her husbands. I mean her legs!"

"When my wife caught me in the act with a blow up doll I thought she would be furious" said the bloke in the pub.

he continued "Instead she just made me inflate it until it was fatter than her"

Liz got me to take her  in to the Parkhead Forge Market the other day. While I was hanging about outside this

lamp shade shop Andy Cameron came up to me and said "I've got a joke for you John" "Okay" I said "On you go Andy"

"When the Pope came to Bellahousten Park he had some time to spend so he went for a walk along the side of

the Clyde. He slipped and fell in. Three young lads came a long and pulled him out of the water. The pope said bless

you my sons. I'm going to bestow a gift of your choice on each of you. The first lad said he wanted an I Pod the second

lad said he wanted an I Phone. when the third was asked he said he wanted the Last Rites When the Pope asked why he

wanted the Last Rites he when I go home and tell my Dad that I saved the Popes life he'll f*****g kill me. 

 If anybody has Hugh Dallas's "e" address perhaps you would like to pass this joke on to him.  

“Congratulations to Prince William and his bride-to-be" says the bloke in the pub. He continued
"Let the search for a suitable mistress begin.”
 

They say 50 is the new 40. Try telling that to a speed camera.

When I go for Oliver after school I usually meet him at the Loaning Ladywell Road cross roads. There's always a

lollipop man there. Anyway, the other day there was a bloke with white corgi dog crossing at the same time as us.

When the corgi got to the middle of the road it stopped, lifted it's leg and pissed against the bottom of the

"Stop Children Crossing" pole. You should have seen the look on the lollipop mans face as the urine ran under his shoes.

I was in stitches.  

"The more I see of men the better I love dogs" Madame De-Stael 

Weekly Rant w/e 19-11-2010

The blonde newly wed made her first appointment with a gynaecologist and told him that she and her husband wanted

to start a family. "We've been trying for months now doc and I don't seem to be able to get pregnant" "I sure we'll solve

your problem" the doctor reassured her. "If you just take your clothes off and lie on the examination table" "Oh well,

alright doctor" agreed the blonde, blushing "But I was really wanting my husband to father my baby"

"My Grandad told me he only got an apple and an orange for Christmas one year when he was kid" says the young

fellow in the pub. He continued. "A laptop and a mobile. Not bad for 1947"

A man called the undertaker one afternoon and sobbed: "Come and bury my wife." "But I buried your wife ten years ago,"
replied the undertaker. "I got married again," the man sobbed. "Oh," said the undertaker. "Congratulations."

Little Boy (while doing his homework) “Dad, could you help me find the lowest common denominator?”
Dad “Haven’t they found that yet? They were looking for it when I was at school.

A youth goes off to Uni., and by half way through the term he has foolishly squandered all his allowance money

so he calls home. "Dad" he says you won't believe it. But they've got a course that will teach our dog, Rex to talk" "How

much to get Rex on this course?" "Just send him down here with £2000" So his father sends him down with the money.

At the end of the term the lad calls his Dad to make arrangements to come home. He then said "When I told Rex

about us going home Rex said 'Is your father still messing about with the blonde barmaid from the Mucky Duck'

"I hope you shot the lying cur, before he talks to your mother" the father exclaims. "I sure did Dad" "Well done son"

The youth went on to study Law at Oxford and eventually became a Tory Politician.

Glass coffins! Will they be a success? 'Remains to be seen'

"Why do women rub their eyes in the morning?" Asks the bloke in the pub. He replied "Because they don't have

any balls to scratch"

Nature studies have revealed that a lion would never be unfaithful to his partner. But a Tiger Wood.

Last Thursday night I watched a stand up comedy competition program on the box. It was on ITV 4 (freeview 24) at 11.15 pm.

It was called Stand Up Heroes. It's sponsored by the magazine FHM and most of the acts were pretty good.

I think it's on every week at that time.

Liz asked me to get a birthday card for her brother the other day. On the front it read "You may be older than you've

ever been before" And on the inside it read "But you're also younger than you'll ever be again"

 It was John's birthday on Friday and he was getting drinks sent over to him from all over the place. He was a bit

sarcastic about the fact that I never bought him a birthday drink. So at the corner on the road home I took a note out

of my pocket and forced it into his hand saying "Have a few drinks on me" Eventually he took it saying thanks. I said "no

bother John. It's actually the money I took out your sisters birthday card before I put it through your letter box earlier

today" When we got home Liz said "I didn't put any money in that card. How much did you give him?" I replied "it

was an old pound note I found in that pair of trousers of mine you were throwing out a few days ago"

“I bumped into a man sobbing outside a department store who told me he hates this time of year, having to dress up

in a ridiculous red outfit and embarrassing himself in front of thousands of people" Says the bloke in the pub. I told him,

‘Look, Mr Hartley, it was your decision to sign for Aberdeen.”

Weekly Rant w/e 12-11-2010

"Why do housewives close their eyes when they make love?" Asks the bloke in the pub. He replied  "They hate to see their husbands
enjoying themselves!"
 

"Why do all men float?" Asks the lady in the pub "Because they're all scum"

An old man and an old woman are relaxing one day on their porch, in their rocking chairs. All at once the old woman reaches over
and hits the old man, knocking him out of his chair. He asked her "What the hell was that for?" She replied, "That's for 45 years
of bad sex!" The old man climbed back into his chair and began to ponder what had just happened. After about 15 minutes the old
man reaches over and belts the old woman hard enough to knock her completely off the porch. "What the hell was that for?" she
screamed. He answered "That's for knowing the difference!"

A bloke walks into a bar and says to the barman "Give me two double whiskies" the barman says

"Sounds like you've had a bad day mate?" "Yes" the bloke replies "I've just found out my older

brother is gay" Next day he's back and demands three double whiskies. When the barman asks

him what's the matter now he replies "I've just found out my younger brother is also gay" On the

next day he's back asking for four doubles. The barman inquires "Does nobody in your house like

women?" "Yes" answers the bloke "My wife"  

This Rooney bashing has goon too far. I'm outside Old Trafford and there's this guy burning small effigies of Rooney and

selling them to the fans!. Oh hang on --- It's a baked potato stand.

We were in Aberdeen last Saturday for another Judo Competition. Oliver only got a bronze. It reminded me of these old chestnuts.

This Aberdonian reverses his car into another car in a car park. He takes a pen and a note pad out and writes down 'I've
just reversed my car into yours smashing your bumper and light unit. Quite a few people seen this and some are still
watching me. They obviously think I'm writing my name and address on this note but I'm not.' He then folded it in two
and slipped under the windscreen wipers.
 

An Aberdonian is walking along Union Street in Aberdeen with only one shoe on. Another fella taps him on the shoulder and asks
“Have you lost a shoe?” “No” replies the Aberdonian “I’ve just found one”

"What's the biggest craving that a pregnant woman has?" Asks the lady in the pub "Wishing that it was her husband

that was pregnant"

“I complimented my wife on having an hour-glass figure.” says the bloke in the pub He then added: “I didn’t tell her it
was because all the weight is slowly moving to the bottom.”

Weekly Rant w/e 05-11-2010

An elderly woman decided to have her portrait painted. She told the the artist....... "Paint me with diamond earrings,
a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby broach, and a gold Rolex." "But you are not wearing any of those things."
"I know," she said. "It's in case I should die before my husband. I'm sure he will remarry right away, and I want his
new wife to go crazy looking for the jewellery.

Halloween was on Sunday night. Despite Liz having a basket of goodie bags only one batch of kids came to the door.

Two of them opted to tell a joke. The first one said "What did the fish say when it swam into the brick wall?" he replied

"Dam" The second lad said "What happened when the carrot died?" "There was a large turnup at the funeral"

My grandson Oliver's Halloween joke is "If there's a bloke stuck in a house without any windows or doors and all

he has is a table and a saw, how does he get out" Tell us I said "He saws the table in two. Two halves make a whole.

Then he jumps out the hole" 

A man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and asked, "You know, I've lost my wife here
in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?" "Why?" she asks. "Because every time I talk to a
beautiful woman, my wife appears out of nowhere."

 

"How do you fit four blondes on a bar stool?" asks the bloke in the pub "Turn it up side down"

Last Saturday I was at a Judo competition in Larkhall. My grandson Oliver won another gold medal. One of the kid's

father went into the local bookies and put a tenner on Inverness Caley to beat Rangers. After the looks he got, he said

"If my bet comes up I'll have to hire Securicor to collect my winnings". On the road home I noticed a new sandwich shop

had opened up. It must be the only Subway shop in the country which is not painted on the outside in the company's

corporate green. It's done in black instead. It's maybe an environmental thing?.  I used to be friendly with a chap who worked for

Amy Construction. He did tarmac repairs to roads. I remember him telling me about the time he was sent to Larkhall.

After inspecting the broken tarmac he took a indelible spray can from his bag. He would normally mark down the outline of the

area to be removed. After he marked the first cross down the local lad who was working with him shouted "Stop,

 this is Larkhall you can't go round putting crosses all over the roads here. A dot will do fine"

  I remember a way back in the early 60's the first set of traffic lights got put up in Larkhall. The day after the lights

were installed the sequence changed from red amber green to red amber blue. Yes, somebody had went out through

the night and painted the green coloured lights blue.

  Yes, there's more as Jimmy Cricket would say. I remember the time when a thief broke into Jimmy Cricket's house

and he lost everything. Well, Jimmy did keep saying "there's more"  Nobody in Larkhall ever listens to Radio Clyde.

They don't like the initials of the radio station.

"I caught my wife watching a cookery program today" says the bloke in the pub. I said to her "But you can't cook"

She replied "You watch porn, don't you?"

How true!

*London Times - Obituary*
An Obituary printed in the London Times........ interesting and sadly rather true. Today we mourn the passing of
a beloved old friend, "Common Sense", who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure just how old he was,
since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such
valuable lessons as:
Knowing when to come in out of the rain; Why the early bird gets the worm; Life isn't always fair; and maybe it
was my fault. Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (*don't spend more than you can earn*)
and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge). His health began to deteriorate rapidly
when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with
sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a
teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition. Common Sense lost ground when
parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly
children. It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or
an Aspirin to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an
abortion. Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses; and criminals received better
treatment than their victims. Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a
burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault. Common Sense finally gave up the will to live,
after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was
promptly awarded a huge settlement. Common Sense was preceded in death, by his parents, Truth and Trust, by
his wife, Discretion, by his daughter, Responsibility, and by his son, Reason. He is survived by his 4 stepbrothers;
I Know My Rights, I Want It Now, Someone Else Is To Blame, I'm A Victim. Not many attended his funeral because
so few realized he was gone. If you still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and do nothing.
 

Weekly Rant w/e 29-10-2010

A construction worker was whistling and verbally harassing a young girl as she walked by his place of work.
She completely ignored him, and just kept on walking. Annoyed the worker yelled "Well you're an ugly bitch anyway!"
The girl turned around and replied "It must be terrible when even an ugly bitch won't give you the time of day?"

Arnold fixed himself a Scotch while waiting for Maria to get ready for their date. She came out of the shower
wrapped in a bath towel and said, "I'm sorry I'm late but I was shopping and lost track of time. Would you like to
see me in my new dress?" "I would like 'nothing' better." said Arnold.

During a maths class, one of the boys accidentally stabbed his hand with a compass.
When the teacher came over to see what the problem was, the boy asked for a glass of Cider.
The teacher looked at the hand, looked at the boy and asked "Why would you want a glass of Cider for that?"
The boy replied "Well, my sister says that whenever she gets a prick in her hand she must get it in Cider!"
 

"How many divorced men does it take to change a light bulb?" Asks the lady in the pub "None, because they never get the house"

I have just read a piece in the paper about Joan Rivers attending a charity dinner. Charles and Camilla who have adopted

Joan as their court jester were also in the audience. Against all protocol Joan jumps to her feet to make an impromptu speech.

"I just want to say" she rasps, raising her glass for a toast "This is for all you bitches in the room who married your

husbands for their money" there was a stunned silence. But when the royal hosts burst out laughing so does everybody

else. Joan reminds me so much of Bill Hicks one of my all time comedy greats.

      There are two stories that I all ways remember about Bill Hicks. His mother was friendly with Frank Sinatra's mother.

Bill was seeking recognition at the time and his mother told Frank's mother about this and asked her to ask Frank

to go to one of his shows. Bill was doing his stand up and Frank walked in. "Ah Frank, thanks for calling by. How did your

singing lessons go to-day?" says Bill. There was an eerie silence and the two bodyguard standing on either side of Frank

were waiting on the nod to pounce. After a moment or two Frank giggled and said "Very funny Bill" And everybody laughed.

        After they became friends they happened to be dinning in the same restaurant. Bill was with a new girlfriend

who he was trying to impress. As he went to the boys room Bill went up to Frank and told him about the new girlfriend

and asked him if he would call over to the table letting her know you were one of my friends.  Sure enough later on

Frank walks up to the table with his hand out saying "How's it going Bill?" "Frank, f***k off, can't you see I'm busy"

was the reply. How he got away with it I'll never know. This routine has been used many times but this where it originated from.   

A business man is on a plane and asks the stewardess for a double scotch. In the next sea is a parrot, who

snaps rudely "A large scotch - and make it quick" The stewardess immediately gets the bird his drink ignoring

the businessman. The parrot downs it in one and snaps at the waitress "Gimme another" The bloke sitting next

to the parrot decides to adopt the parrots tactics and snarls to the stewardess "Look you old bat, get me a double

scotch this minute" Suddenly the burly co- pilot appears and tosses them both from the plane. While falling to the

ground the parrot says to the bloke "You know you are very brave for somebody who can't fly"   

A Glasgow lawyer was in court trying to butter up a witness by telling him: “You’re a very bright,
smart witness.” And the chap replied: “Thank you. If I wasn’t under oath I’d repay the compliment.”
 

"My boy friend asked me to marry him" says the lady in the pub "I told him I liked the simple things in life

but I didn't want to marry one"

A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him,
"Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?" The crow answered: "Sure, why not."
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared,
jumped on the rabbit and ate it. Moral of the story: To get away with doing nothing, you must be
sitting very, very high up.

Weekly Rant w/e 22-10-2010

"You can tell it's getting near Xmas" says the bloke in the pub "The bin men have started saying 'good morning' "

After a long career of being blasted into a net, the Human Cannonball was tired. He told the circus owner he

was going to retire. "But you can't" said the boss. "Where am I going to find another man of your calibre?" 

Donald from the north of Scotland is awarded a place at Oxford University. After his first week his
mother phones him to ask how he’s getting on. “Its not too bad” replies Donald “But there’s some funny
people here. Around midnight every evening the chap in the dormitory to the left of me keeps hitting
his head against the wall and the chap to the right hits the wall with a baseball bat while the fellow
above prances up and down the floor.” “Why don’t you report it?” asks his mother “ It doesn’t bother
me too much” replies Donald “I’m usually up practicing on my bagpipes"

I was at the barbers the other day. Honestly I couldn't  believe this. There was a four year old getting his hair

cut in front of me. He was getting a crew cut. But after that he had to have two wavy lines just above his ear

and then crosses cut below the bottom line and a miniature pony tail at the bottom of a vee section taper. He was

in that chair for around 45 minutes. The lad was  instructing the barber just as much as his mother who was

sitting beside me. Now I ask you "What kind of attitude to style is that kid going to have when he is a teenager?"

Anyway eventually when I got into the chair the barber asked me if I was working today. I lied and said "No I'm

retired now. My old age pension started last week" It's a long long time since I had a £4.60 haircut.

"What's the difference between men and women?" Asks the lady in the pub "Men are grumpy all month long."

"What do you call a woman that has everything that you ever wanted?" Asks the bloke in the pub  "Your ex-wife."

"What does "women" stand for?" Asks the bloke in the pub "Will Obey Mans Every Need"

It's a beautiful warm spring day and a man and his wife are at the zoo. She's wearing a cute,
loose-fitting, pink spring dress, sleeveless with straps. As they walk through the ape exhibit
and pass in front of a very large gorilla, the gorilla goes ape. He jumps up on the bars, holding
on with one hand and 2 feet, grunting and pounding his chest with the free hand. He is obviously
excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress. The husband, noticing the excitement, suggests that
his wife tease the poor fellow. The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom, and
play along. She does and Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead.
Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall, she does, and Mr. Gorilla is just about to
tear the bars down. "Now try lifting your dress up your thighs..." This drives the gorilla absolutely crazy.
Suddenly the husband grabs his wife by the hair, rips open the door to the cage, flings her in with the
gorilla, and says, "Now, tell HIM you have a headache!!!!!!"

"What does "wife" stand for?" Asks the bloke in the pub "Washing Ironing F**king Etc"

 Did you hear the one about the overprotective farmer and his three daughters? Whenever one of his
daughters had a date, he would meet the young man at the door with a shotgun in his hand. One night,
all three daughters had dates. When the first date rang the bell, the farmer picked up his shotgun and
answered the door. "Hi, I'm Eddie," said the boy, "I'm here for Betty, we're gonna get spaghetti."
The farmer didn't care much for poetry, but let his oldest daughter go out anyway. A little bit later the
doorbell rang again. The farmer grabbed his shotgun, opened the door, and the boy said "Hi, I'm Joe.
I'm here for Flo. We're going to the show." The farmer let his middle daughter out for the evening.
With only his youngest daughter left at home, the doorbell rang again. Shotgun in hand the farmer
opened the door. "Hi, I'm Chuck..." began the boy. The farmer shot him.

Many years ago I woke up one morning with a stunner of headache not being able to remember a thing
about the night before. Although I do remember going to the Burns Supper. When I looked about the
room my clothes were neatly folded on the chair. Arriving at the breakfast table there was a full fry
up waiting for me. I said to Yvonne (my daughter) “What’s the score here?” she replied “dad you were
as drunk as a lord last night and when mum tried to take your trousers off to put you to bed you said
"take your filthy hands off me, I’m married”

Weekly Rant w/e 15-10-2010

A couple who have been divorced for 10 years meet up again at a party. The former husband has a good bevy
in him and suggests they go to bed together “just for old times sake” “over my dead body!” she replies. He
responded to this by saying “I see you haven’t changed much.”

This bloke is going home from the pub in the early hours of the morning with a good bead in him. He stops
a policeman and asks him the time. The cop says “one o’clock” then takes out his truncheon and whacks
the drunk over the head with it. “Bloody hell” replies the bloke “I’m glad it wasn’t 12 o’clock”

"What is the new meaning of “love”" asks the bloke in the pub "A temporary insanity which can be cured by marriage"
 

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there's a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He's been
checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly she sneezes, and her
glass eye pops out of its socket and comes flying toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, catches it,
and hands it back. "Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy
your dinner to make it up to you," she says. My name is Sally Collins - with two L's and one I". (No! This
is not the punch line!) They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre
followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens...
After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay
for breakfast. They had a wonderful time. The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings.
The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible! "You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman.
Are you this nice to every guy you meet?" "No," she replies. She says, "You just happened to catch my eye!"

Oliver (my grandson) came in from school the other day with a new arithmetic jotter. Oliver announced

"The teacher said I've to cover this with left over wall paper" She is a right nosey parker. I reckon she

just wants to see what the inside of our house looks like.

This joke of mine was printed in the Herald click on link below.

http://www.heraldscotland.com/comment/ken-smiths-diary/paper-cutting-the-diary-22-october-2010-1.1063095

"My mate's got a new eastern European girlfriend" says the bloke in the pub "It took her 5 hours to hoover

the flat. It turns out she's a Slovak" boom boom !!

"My wife has a terrible memory" says the bloke in the pub "She remembers everything."

A blonde and a brunette are sitting in the pub. The blonde says "When I become nervous waiting to board my holiday plane

I have a couple of stiff ones" "And what if that doesn't work?" Asks the brunette "I try a couple of double vodkas"

A blonde visiting a zoo was seen by the Zookeeper throwing £10 notes into the elephant enclosure. "Why are you throwing

money to the elephants?" Asks the Zookeeper. "The sign says it's OK" she replied. "No" said the zookeeper "The sign says

it's not OK" "No it doesn't" said the blonde "It says:- Do not feed £10 fine"

I was at a pub friend's funeral the other day. The chapel was pretty full and I ended up sitting up the front behind the

family. When George's daughter turned round she noticed the tears running down my cheeks. She then said "I didn't

realise that you were that close to my dad" "It's not so much that dear" I said "When the priest was throwing the

incense over the coffin it was drifting over here and going in my eyes" I passed Dick Hall later on in the day. Now I

wouldn't say Dick is the village idiot but he's the nearest we've got to one. Anyway, he says to me "That's George

away with the fairies now, isn't it?" When George first took unwell earlier on in the year; I was talking to him up

in Weatherspoon's. He had just got out of hospital and was given a week's supply of steroids. He said to me "John,

I feel like a seventeen year old again. When my wife woke up this morning and felt my hard on pressed against her arse

she thought she was in bed with another bloke" When I asked him if he could spare a few tablets he said "No way"  

It reminded me of the two old dears in the nursing home. One said to the other "If you don't come to my funeral Madge I

won't be going to yours"

Weekly Rant w/e 08-10-2010

"Me and my husband are now practicing safe sex" says the well off lady in the pub "When he becomes amorous and

wants a bit of sex I whisper in his ear 'no child benefit.' "

This is an original joke of mine which was printed in the Herald. click on link below to view.

http://www.heraldscotland.com/comment/ken-smiths-diary/promotion-plan-the-diary-8-october-2010-1.1060198

"Men are all the same" says the lady in the pub "they just have different faces so you can tell them apart"

"Why do most men prefer virgins?" Asks the woman in the pub "Because most men can't stand criticism"

"Marriage is like a pack of cards" says the bloke in the pub "To start with all you need are two hearts and a diamond.

After ten years you wish you had a club and a spade"

This guy went to his local Spa to buy some authentic loose tea. Unable to find any on the shelves he approached

the owner of the shop and asked him if he had any proper-tea. "Yes" replied the shop keeper "I've got this

shop and three flats.

"I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he drank" says the lady in the pub "until one night he

came home sober...."

"I never knew what real happiness was until I got married..." says the bloke in the pub "and then it was too late"

"I'm from a family of eleven" says the bloke in the pub "I didn't know what it was like to sleep alone until I got married"

While we were at Blackpool the other weekend Liz and I went to Madam Tussauds. It was only a fiver each to get in.

But the bloke gave us three tickets. When I queried him about this he said "These two are for you to get in

and this last one is for your wife to get out" Honestly folks we were walking around stopping at any interesting exhibits

when this commissionaire chap came up to me and "Will you keep your wife moving sir" When I asked why he said

"We're stocktaking"

Back in the 60's I used to go to Blackpool quite a lot. The joke I can recall from then was:-

Did you hear about the lady that went to Blackpool for a little sun? She ended coming back

with one. boom! boom!      

I recently received an "e" mail from a David Park in Melbourne Australia. He contacted me after finding
my website with my family tree details on it. It turns out that my great great great grandfather
and his great great grandfather were brothers. His forbearer emigrated to Australia. How
anybody managed to make that journey around 1870 I'll never know.
My web site must be very popular. I get messages from every nook and cranny in the world.
I have also had offers from large advertising agencies offering to buy advertising space on my site.
I knocked the last two back. Well, one was from a company selling dildos and the other was from a
fertility clinic. Honesty folks that's true.

"Old men don't take Viagra because they're impotent" says the old bloke in the pub "It's because old women are so

f*****g ugly" 

A man owned a small farm in Ireland. The Irish Internal Revenue determined he was not paying proper wages to his
staff and sent an investigator out to interview him. "I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them!"
demanded the investigator. "Well," replied the farmer, "there's my farm hand who's been with me for three years.
I pay him €200 a week plus free room and board. "The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her €150 per
week plus free room and board. "Then there's the halfwit. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90%
of all the work around here. He makes about €10 a week. He pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle
of whiskey every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally." "That's the guy I want to talk to...
the halfwit!" said the agent. "That would be me," replied the farmer.
 

Weekly Rant w/e 01-10-2010

I've just come across a Poet who originally came from Bonkle. I was taken on by his verse so have decided to put it on

to one of my web pages see under. I spent my first 8 years of my life in Bonkle so I can relate to some of his material.

 http://www.3d-cad-steelwork.com/Work%20of%20the%20Bonkle%20Poet%20William%20McCormack.htm

"I didn't get the job" says the dumb blonde in the pub "When I filled in the application form, against

SEX :- I wrote 'three times a week'"

Dorothy: 'That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted
to talk with you about him before I give him my answer. Edna: 'Well, I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment
punctually at 7 P.M., dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers!  Then he
takes me downstairs, and what's there but a luxury car...A limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he takes
me out for dinner.... A marvelous dinner... Lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks. Then we go see a show.
Let me tell you, Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure!  So then we are coming back to my
apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL. Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way
With me two times!' Dorothy: 'Goodness gracious!... So you are telling me I shouldn't go out with him?' 
Edna: 'No, no, no... I'm just saying, wear an old dress.'

You may remember a few weeks back I told this story about a time when I worked at Taskers Trailers Cumbernauld.  

We were at Blackpool last weekend. John and Janice were with us and on the road down a warning buzzer

came on and Janice asked what it was. I explained that it was to let you know that you were over the 70 mph

speed limit. Liz piped in "Its maybe there in case the driver is blind and can't see the speedometer"

As we walked along Central Drive on the Saturday afternoon we passed the Joke shop. Below the window

in large letters it said 'IF YOU CAN'T TAKE A JOKE DON'T COME IN'. I said "you three stay here and I'll

go in" On the return journey just after the Gretna turn off there was a large sign that said "Welcome to Scotland"

I said "On the first leg of the trip there wasn't any Welcome to England sign. I wonder why that is?" 

Its easy enough to be cheerful, When the world rolls along like a song, But a man's worthwhile,
If he can smile, when everything else goes wrong!
Adolf Hitler 1945

"What do you say to your husband after you have experienced a mind blowing orgasm?" says the lady in the pub
"Will you remember and get some more batteries for my vibrator?"

A farmer chaps the door of one of his neighbours. A small boy opens the door. "Is your Dad home?" asks the farmer.

"No he Isn't. He went to Town" "Well is your Mother there?" he asks "No she went with Dad to Town" "Well" said

the farmer uncomfortably "It's about your brother Hamish getting my daughter Susie pregnant" The boy thought for a moment

You will have to speak to Dad about that. I know he charges £50 for the bull and £30 for the ram but I don't know

what he charges for Hamish"

Weekly Rant w/e 23-09-2010

“Commonwealth Games?" says the bloke in the pub "Nae problem once the Indians sort out the cowboy builders"

A nurse was on duty in the A&E when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a
variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered . . It was quickly determined that the patient had acute
appendicitis, so she was scheduled for an immediate operation.. When she was completely disrobed on the operating
table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read . .
'Keep off the grass' Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which
read 'Sorry . . . had to mow the lawn.'

For more of these funny hospital stories go to

http://www.3d-cad-steelwork.com/British%20Hospitals%20True%20Stories.htm

 A woman calls her husband into the bedroom. "Now I want you take off my blouse" Good "Now I want you to take

off my bra" Good. Now "I want you to take off my panties" "Very good. Now don't let me catch you wearing any

of my clothes ever again.

"I'm not saying Coleen Roony is naive" said the bloke in the pub "But when she heard Wayne had paid £1200 for

a 19 year old escort she asked if it was taxed and M.O.T.'ed"

A wife treats her hubby by taking him to a lap dancing club for his birthday. The doorman says "Okay Jim?
How's tricks?" The wife asks "How does he know you?" "Er, I play footie with him" Inside, the barman says
"Usual Jim?" Jim says "Before you say anything he's in the darts team in my local" Next a lap dancer comes over
and says "Hi Jim d'ya want your special again" At that the wife storms out dragging Jim with her and jumps into
a taxi. The taxi driver turns round and says "Bloody hell Jim you've pulled a right minger tonight"

"I asked my wife how many men she had slept with?" says the bloke in the pub "She replied 'Only you darling.

With all the rest I was wide awake'"

 

A Bloke who needs to "fuel up" sees a sign that say's "Get petrol and free sex here". So obviously the guy was
interested, so he stopped, filled up went inside to pay. "Pick a number from 1 - 10 to get free sex." said the
cashier. "Okay, 3!" the man replied. "No! Sorry play again". So the guy drove around for weeks always
getting petrol at the same place, because he wanted his free sex. One day he was really annoyed:
"This has got to be a fix! I have never got the right number to have free sex!" He screamed.
"Oh no! It's not rigged, just ask your wife, she won 3 times last week alone!"

WALKING THE DOG

 A Woman was flying from Melbourne to Brisbane . Unexpectedly, the plane was diverted

to Sydney along the way. The flight attendant explained that there would be a delay, and if the passengers

wanted to get off the aircraft the plane would re-board in 50 minutes. Everybody got off the plane except

one lady who was blind. A man had noticed her as he walked by and could tell the lady was blind because

 her Guide Dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of her throughout the entire flight. He could also

tell she had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached her, and calling her by name, said,

 'Kathy, we are in Sydney for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?' The blind lady

replied, 'No thanks, but maybe Buddy would like to stretch his legs.'
Picture this:
All the people in the gate area came to a complete standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk

off the plane with a Guide dog! The pilot was even wearing sunglasses. People scattered. They not only

tried to change planes, but they were trying to change airlines!

 

"A lady called at my door this morning. She was collecting for the local sperm bank" says the bloke in the pub

"Boy, did I give her a mouthful"

Weekly Rant w/e 16-09-2010

Did you see the bit in the paper the other day about the police lifting a bloke in the red light district of Manchester. When they

looked at his mobile phone there was a video clip of a gorilla having sex with a prostitute. The picture was a little hazy but

you could just make out the gorilla hand over £1200 to the lady of the night.   

"When a man talks dirty to a woman it's sexual harassment" Says the bloke in the pub "When a woman talks dirty to a

bloke it's £3.50 a minute"

"I'm going to take up meditation" Says the bloke sitting in the pub "It'll certainly be better that sitting about doing nothing"

"I was arguing with my wife this morning" Says the fellow in the pub. She ended up saying. "okay you can have the last word as

long as it's SORRY"

"My new boyfriend has got some sex drive" says the lady in the pub "It takes him 45 minutes to get here in his car"

 A widowed Jewish woman, still in good shape, was sunbathing on a deserted beach in Florida. She looked up and noticed
that a man her age, also in good shape, had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand near hers and began reading a book.
Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. "How are you today?" "Fine, thank you," he responded, and
turned back to his book. "I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked. "First time since my wife passed away
2 years ago," he replied and turned back to his book. "I'm sorry to hear that. My husband passed away three years ago
and it is very lonely, she countered. "Do you live around here?" She asked. "Yes, I live over in Coral Springs " he answered,
and again he resumed reading. Trying to find a topic of common interest, she persisted, "Do you like pussy cats?"  
With that, the man dropped his book, came over to her blanket, tore off her swimsuit and gave her the most passionate
lovemaking of her life. When the cloud of sand began to settle, she gasped and asked the man, "How did you know
that was what I wanted? The man replied. "How did you know my name was Katz?"

A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly

around his throat. Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened. "Well, it was like this," said the man. "I was having a quiet

round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a pasture of cows." "We went to look for them

and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end." "I walked over and lifted up the

tail, and sure enough, there was the golf ball with my wife's monogram on it... stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt.

 That's when I made my mistake." "What did you do?" asks the doctor. "Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife,

Hey, this looks like yours!"

 Did you hear about the blonde chef she thought "coq au van" was sex in the back of her boyfriend's transit.

"I spent some time at my wife's grave earlier today" said the bloke in the pub "She's not dead. She thinks I'm digging

a garden pond"

At a village hall meeting of the paranormal the society chairman asked "Out of interest how many people here think

they have seen a ghost?” About nine hands went up. “Remarkable” Said the top table gent. “To take the matter further”

said the Chairman “How many people have spoken to a ghost? Four hands were raised. “And finally” said the professor

“How many folk here have had sex with a ghost?” One hand was reluctantly raised “Come forward sir” said the chairman

“and tell the body of the hall about your sexual experience with a ghost” “A ghost a ghost” said the bloke “I thought you said a goat”
 

Weekly Rant w/e 09-09-2010

I haven't sent my RANT out for a few months now. My mother took a bad turn and I wasn't in the mood for thinking of comedy stuff.

However she's settled down now and life must go on.

Today Friday I was up at Wishaw General. One of my thumb nails appears to have a cyst below it. After examining it the specialist a

Dr. Evans said "In all 30 years as a doctor I've never seen anything like it. Do you mind if I bring in my colleagues to have a look at it?"

Another four doctors trouped into the room. Each one examined it in turn saying things like amazing, incredible and astonishing. I felt like

one of these freaks that user to go round with the circuses 100 years ago. After it was photographed and the nurse make an appointment

for a miner operation the doctor said "If it goes away I still want you to turn up and I'll remove that mole from your neck and that little

piece of lose skin from your brow" "What kind of Doctor are you?" I asked "I'm a cosmetic surgeon" he replied. "Can I bring my wife along with

me as well?" I asked.

Last Monday night we were at an "Enable Scotland" charity night in the Cafe Manzil in Hamilton. Tam Cowan hosted

it. Boy is he crude and rude? But the audience loved it and that's what it's all about. The best story was when he talked about

having John McCririck on "OFF THE BALL" Tam said he had to take him to the canteen before the show. When Tam was in the lift with

him there was a strong smell. It was like a mixture of stale body odour and horse shit. As they sat at the table with there rolls on tuna

Carol Smillie came over and putting her plate of salad down she said she was going for a drink. After taking a bite of his roll John coughed

and spluttered a chunk of tuna mixed with sweet corn landed in the middle Carol's salad. Tams punch line was "I haven't told Carol to this day"

Tam announced that the raffle was a nominal £5 a head but feel free to put a bit extra in the envelope. Just after that as I passed the bar

on the road to the toilet a bloke was asking for four fivers for a twenty pound note. The barman told him there wasn't any fivers or tenners

for that matter in the till. Nice one.

Part of this story was printed in the Herald   http://www.heraldscotland.com/comment/ken-smiths-diary/a-little-hoarse-the-diary-13-september-2010-1.1054539

On the penultimate weekend of the Festival Liz and I were in Edinburgh. On the Saturday I was  looking about for somewhere

I could do a bit of stand up. There wasn't an audience at any of the open mic's and when I asked in a couple of the pubs I was

told they were all full up.  Honesty folks there was "Would be" stand ups from all over the world. On the Sunday we ended up in

one of the Stand clubs In the afternoon. It was impromptu stuff which pretty good. After visiting a few hostelries we ended up

back in the flat. I said to Liz "What time is the John Bishop show on tonight?" She looked at the tickets and "said ten past eight"

I said "That's a funny start time for a show. Let me see those tickets" It read Sunday 22nd August 2010.

We had went through on the City Link bus service and on the road back there was demonstrations outside the RBS headquarters

and the bus took a detour along a country lane. In the seat in front of us a blonde and a brunette were sitting The blonde pointed

to a herd of milk cows and said "I wonder why all all those cows are so dour faced?" "So would you be"  replied the brunette

"If you got woke up at 4.30 every morning, had your tits sucked for half an hour and then you didn't get a shag"