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Park Engineering John Park, 32 the Loaning, Motherwell, North Lanarkshire, Strathclyde, Scotland, U.K. ML1 3HE tel. & fax. 01698 263756 mobile 0781 8618547 "e" mail jpark8@btinternet.com (click on this to send me an "e" mail) this web site www.3d-cad-steelwork.com
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Stories......... |
Penis Jokes
Here was a man who really took care of his body. He lifted weights and jogged six miles every day. One morning he looked into the mirror, admiring his body, and noticed that he was suntanned all over with the exception of his penis. So he decided to do something about that. He went to the beach, undressed completely, and buried himself in the sand, except for his penis, which he left sticking out of the sand. A bit later, two little old ladies came strolling along the beach, one using a cane to help her get along. Upon seeing the thing sticking out of the sand, the lady with the cane began to move the penis around with her cane. Remarking to the other little old lady, she said, "There really is no justice in the world." The other little old lady asked, "What do you mean by that?" The first little old lady replied, "Look at that. When I was 20, I was curious about it. When I was 30, I enjoyed it. When I was 40, I asked for it. When I was 50, I paid for it. When I was 60, I prayed for it. When I was 70, I forgot about it. Now that I'm 80, the damned things are growing wild, and I'm too old to squat."
A white guy is involved in a horrible car accident and is partly mangled in the wreckage. Among the other injuries, and perhaps the most traumatic, was that his penis had been severed. Anyway, a few days later in the hospital once his condition was stabilized, a doctor came to see him about picking out a new penis to be sewn on later. "Wow, I didn't even know they could do that" said the patient. "Well, all you have to do is look through this catalogue and pick the one you want and we can take care of the rest," the doctor assured him. So, the guy starts flipping through the catalogue and finds some prospects in the first few pages. As he gets near the end though, he comes across some abnormally large options. "Man! I didn't know they got that big!" he cried. Then turned the page and again, "Holy shit, that's even bigger!" the next page had an even bigger member that he could choose. Filled with excitement he yells down the hall, "Hey Doc, do any of these big ones come in white?"
Q:- What’s the difference between a penis and a bar of chocolate? A:- a bar of chocolate can still be satisfying when it’s soft.
Little Tommy got in from school and says to his mum. “Johnny showed me his penis today” A little perturbed the mum said “What was it like?” “A peanut” was the reply. “That small?” asked the mum. “no, that salty” said Tommy.
Q:- What do you call a bloke with a one inch penis? A:- Justin.
Q:- What has a penis and a holiday got in common ? A:- They’re both enjoyable but never long enough.
The teacher enters her class on the Monday morning and there’s a drawing of a small penis on the blackboard. She immediately lifts the duster and rubs it off. The next morning there’s a sketch of a larger penis on the board. The teacher once again proceeds to erase the offensive diagram. On the third morning the drawing is larger still and as the mistress is busy with the duster erasing the chalk little Suzie shouts out “It’s no use Miss. The more you rub it the larger it gets”
Q:- What’s the difference between a penis and a prick ? A:- A penis is fun, sexy and satisfying. A prick is the guy who owns it.
a li A little girl is playing in the garden and accidentally gets a thorn in her hand. She runs into the house and says to her mum. “Can I have a glass of cider?” “What for?” Asks mum. “Every time my sister gets a prick in her hand she says she’s got to get it in cider”
This chap walks into the Doctors and say's to the receptionist "I've got a problem with my penis. Can I see a doctor?" "Tut tut" say's the receptionist. "This is a public place. You shouldn't use words like that. You should call it something else." "Okay" said the bloke "I've got a problem with my little pinkie" While writing out the paperwork the receptionist looks up at him and inquires. "What's actually the matter with your little pinkie?" "Well" replies the patient "I can't pee out of it."
A man walked into a supermarket with his zipper down. A lady Cashier walked up to him and said, "Your barracks door is open." Not a phrase that men normally use, he went on his way looking a Bit puzzled. When he was about done shopping, a man came up and said, "Your fly is open." He zipped up and finished his shopping. At the checkout, he intentionally got in the line where the lady was that told him about his "barracks door" He was planning to have a little fun with her; so when he reached the counter he said, "When you saw my barracks door open, did you see a soldier standing in there at attention?" The lady (naturally smarter than the man) thought for a moment and said, "No, no I didn't. All I saw was a disabled veteran sitting on a couple of old duffel bags.
A darkie bloke is in the shower at the health club. Two white chaps entered the shower area. While pointing down at the darkies groin one chalky said to the other "Look at the size of that !!" the darkie replied "Doesn't the white man's penis shrink while in a cold shower?"
A couple was watching a Discovery Channel on an African bush tribe whose men all had penises 24 inches long. When a male reaches a certain age, a string is tied around his penis and on the other end is a weight. After a while, the weight stretches the penis to 24 inches. Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, his wife looked down at him and said, "How about we try the African string-and-weight procedure?" The husband agreed and they tied a string and weight to his penis. A few days later, the wife asked the husband "How is our little tribal experiment coming along?" "Well, it looks like we're about half way there" he replied. "Wow, you mean it's grown to 12 inches?" "No, it's turned black."
The couple had split-up a few months ago, but still remained good friends, which worked out pretty good, since they lived in the same apartment building. The man slipped on the ice and broke his arm. He met his ex-girlfriend in the elevator and she asked if there was anything she could do to help. He said, "Well, if it's not too trouble, could you help me take a bath?" She readily agreed and soon was washing him when she saw a gradual erection begin to appear. "Now isn't that sweet," she cooed. "Look Henry, it still recognizes me."
This bloke got stung in the penis by a bee. When he went to the doc he said "Leave the swelling, just give me something for the pain."
This bloke is lying on the beach sun bathing wearing nothing but a cap over his willy. As lady walks by she stops and says "If you wee any sort of gentleman you would lift your cap to a lady" He replied "If you were any sort of lady that cap would lift itself"
Why do doctors slap babies when they are born?
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