golf Jokes

Wife :- “If only once you would spend Sunday with me instead of playing golf, I swear I would drop down dead.”

A "golf widow" concedes that if she is ever to see her husband she needs to learn the game. So she goes to the country club and signs up for lessons with the golf pro. They get out to the course and the pro instructs her to hold the club as she would her husband's organ. She hits the ball and the pro exclaims, "Beautiful!!! Great shot, right down the centre of the fairway! Now, take the club out of your mouth and we'll go for distance."

A doctor was at the country club for his weekly round of golf. He began his round with an eagle on the first hole and a birdie on the second. On the third hole he had just scored his first ever hole in one when his cell phone rang. It was another doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU. The golfer told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that the he'd be there as soon as possible. As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was shaping up to be his best ever round of golf. He decided to get in a couple of more holes before heading to the hospital. He ended up finishing all eighteen. He finished his round shooting a personal best 61, shattering the club record by five strokes and beating his previous best game by more than 10. He was jubilant, then he remembered his wife. Feeling guilty he dashed to the hospital. He saw his wife's doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife's condition. The doctor glared at him and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your round of golf didn't you! I hope your proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself at the country club, your wife has been languishing in the ICU! Its just as well you went ahead and finished that round because it will be more than likely your last! For the rest of her life she will require 'round the clock care. And you'll be her care giver!" The husband was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed. The doctor started to snicker and said, "Just kidding! She died more than two hours ago. What'd you shoot?"

A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened. "Well, it was like this," said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a pasture of cows." "We went to look for them and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end." "I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was the golf ball with my wife's monogram on it... stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my mistake." "What did you do?" asks the doctor. "Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, Hey, this looks like yours!"

FOUR MARRIED GUYS GO GOLFING. DURING THE 4TH HOLE, THE FOLLOWING CONVERSATION TOOK PLACE
FIRST GUY: "YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I HAD TO DO TO BE ABLE TO COME OUT GOLFING THIS WEEKEND. I HAD TO PROMISE MY WIFE THAT I WILL PAINT EVERY ROOM IN THE HOUSE NEXT WEEKEND.
SECOND GUY: "THAT IS NOTHING, I HAD TO PROMISE MY WIFE THAT I WILL BUILD HER A NEW PATIO."
THIRD GUY: "MAN, YOU BOTH HAVE IT EASY! I HAD TO PROMISE MY WIFE THAT I WILL REMODEL THE KITCHEN FOR HER."
THEY CONTINUE TO PLAY THE HOLE WHEN THEY REALIZED THAT THE FOURTH GUY HAS NOT SAID A WORD. SO THEY ASKED HIM. "YOU HAVEN'T SAID ANYTHING ABOUT WHAT YOU HAD TO DO TO BE ABLE TO COME GOLFING THIS WEEKEND WHAT'S THE DEAL?
FOURTH GUY: "I JUST SET MY ALARM FOR 5:30AM. WHEN IT WENT OFF, I SHUT OFF MY ALARM, GAVE THE WIFE A NUDGE AND SAID, "GOLF COURSE OR INTERCOURSE?
AND SHE SAID, "WEAR A SWEATER IT’S COLD OUT”

Irate golfer, on his way to a round of 150: "You must be the worst caddie in the world!"
Scottish caddie (dryly): "That would be too much of a coincidence, sir."

After a recent tournament win Tiger Woods was approached by a somewhat aged and wrinkly golf groupie. After several drinks the woman propositioned Woods who thought "what the heck" and before long they were up in Woods' room going hard at it. After a stunning performance Woods rolled off the woman and picked up the phone. The woman asked: "What are you doing" to which Woods replied: "I'm calling room service to order champagne and strawberries". The woman responded: "Arnold Palmer would have done me a second time" So Woods put down the phone and had sex with the woman a second time. When he had finished Woods rolled off the woman and picked up the phone. The woman asked: "What are you doing" to which Woods replied: "I'm calling room service to order champagne and strawberries". The woman responded: “Arnold Palmer would have done me a third time" So Woods put down the phone and had sex with the woman a third time. When he had finished the exhausted Woods rolled off the woman and picked up the phone. The woman asked: "What are you doing" to which Woods replied: “I'm calling Arnold Palmer to find out what the par is on this hole"

Four lawyers in a law firm lived and died for their Saturday morning round of golf. It was their favorite moment of the week. Then one of the lawyers was transferred to an office in another city. It wasn't quite the same without him. A new woman lawyer joined their law firm. One day she overheard the remaining three talking about their golf round at the coffee table. Curious, she spoke up, "You know, I used to play on my golf team in college and I was pretty good at it. Would you mind if I joined you next week?" The three lawyers looked at each other. They were Hesitant. Not one of them wanted to say 'yes', but she had them on the spot. Finally one man said it would be okay, but they would be starting pretty early at 6:30 am. He figured the early Tee-Time would discourage her immediately. The woman said this might be a problem and asked if she could possibly be up to 15 minutes late. They rolled their eyes but said this would be okay. She smiled and said, "Good, then I'll be there either at 6:30 or 6:45." She showed up right at 6:30 and wound up beating all three of them with an eye-opening 2-under par round. She was a fun and pleasant person the entire round. The guys were impressed! Back in the clubhouse they congratulated her and happily invited her back the next week. She smiled and said "Sure, I'll be here at 6:30 or 6:45." The next week she again showed up at 6:30 on Saturday morning. Only this time, she played left-handed. The three lawyers were incredulous as she still managed to beat them with an even par round despite playing with her off-hand. By now the guys were totally amazed, but wondered if she was just trying to make them look bad by beating them left-handed. They couldn't figure her out. She was again very pleasant and didn't seem to be showing them up, but each man began to harbor a burning desire to beat her! In the third week they all had their game faces on. But this week she was 15 minutes late! This had the guys irritable because each was determined to play the best round of golf of his life to beat her. As they waited for her, they figured her late arrival was some petty gamesmanship on her part. Finally she showed up. This week the lady lawyer played right-handed which was a good thing since she narrowly beat all three of them. However she was so gracious and so complimentary of their strong play, it was hard to keep a grudge against her. This woman was a riddle no one could figure out! Back in the clubhouse she had all three guys shaking their heads at her ability. They had a couple beers after their round which helped to loosen up the conversation. Finally one of the men could contain his curiosity no longer. He asked her point blank, "How do you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?" The lady blushed and grinned. She said, "That's easy. When my dad taught me to play golf, I learned I as ambidextrous. I have always had fun switching back and forth. Then when I met my husband in college and got married, I discovered he always sleeps in the nude. From then on I developed a silly habit. Right before I left in the morning for golf practice, I would pull the covers off him. If his you-know-what was pointing to the right, I golfed right-handed; if it was pointed to the left, I golfed left-handed. All the girls on the team thought this was hysterical." Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys shot back, "But what if it's pointed straight up in the air?" She said, "Then,.... I'm fifteen minutes late."

"Well, what should I do?", The learner asks the Pro. "Hold the club gently," the pro replied, "just like you'd hold your wife's breast." Taking the advice, he takes a swing, and POW! He hits the Ball 250 yards straight up the fairway. The ecstatic man goes back to his wife with the good news, and the wife can't wait for her lesson. The next day the wife goes for her lesson. The pro watches Her swing and says, "No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard." "What can I do?" asks the wife. "Hold the club gently, just like you'd hold your husband's penis." The wife listens carefully to the pro's advice, takes a Swing, and HUMP -- the ball skips down the fairway about 15 feet. "You know, that was a lot better than I expected," the pro says. "Now, take the club out of your mouth and hold it in your hands.

A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple of strokes. "Boy, I 'd give anything to sink this putt," the golfer mumbles to himself. Just then, a stranger walks up beside him and whispers, "Would you be willing to give up one-fourth of your sex life?" Thinking the man is crazy and his answer will be meaningless, the golfer also feels that maybe this is a good omen so he says, "Sure," and sinks the putt. Two holes later, he mumbles to himself again, "Gee, I sure would like to get an eagle on this one." The same stranger is at his side again and whispers, "Would it be worth giving up another fourth of your sex life?" Shrugging, the golfer replies, "Okay." And he makes an eagle. On the final hole, the golfer needs another eagle to win. Without waiting for him to say anything, the stranger quickly moves to his side and says, "Would winning this match be worth giving up the rest of your sex life?" "Definitely," the golfer replies, and he makes the eagle. As the golfer is walking to the club house, the stranger walks alongside him and says, "I haven't really been fair with you because you don't know who I am. I'm the devil, and from this day forward you will have no sex life." "Nice to meet you ," the golfer replies, "I'm Father O'Malley."

Out on the golf course with his wife, the husband says, "Twenty years ago I had a brief affair. It meant nothing. I hope you can forgive me." His wife was hurt, but said, "Dearest, those days are long gone. What we have now is far more valuable. I forgive you." They embraced and kissed. On the seventeenth tee, the husband was starting his back swing when the wife blurted out, "I'm sorry darling, I've been so conscience-stricken since you told me, but since we're being honest with each other, I have something to tell you also. Fifty-two years ago I had a s*x change operation, I was a man before I met you. I hope you can forgive me." The husband froze at the top of his back swing, then threw a fit He slammed the driver into the ground, kicked the ball into the woods, stormed off the tee, pushed the golf cart over on its side, broke the rest of his clubs one by one, then started on hers. He screamed and ranted, "You liar! You cheat! You despicable deceiver! How could you? I trusted you with all my heart and soul...and all these years you've been playing off the ladies tees!"

This bloke is getting on his wife’s nerves, so she says “Why don’t you play golf with Andy any more?” He says “Would you play with somebody who cheats at every turn, throws his clubs away after a bad shot, hides his opponents ball and marks down the wrong scores on his score card.” His wife admits “no I wouldn’t” “Well” the bloke replies “Neither does Andy”

This lady golfer runs into the club house screaming “Is anyone here a doctor?” A drunken guy stands up and says “I’m a doctor. How can I help you?” “I’ve been stung by a bee” the lady cries. “Where?” the would be doctor asks. “Between the first and second hole” she yelps. “Clearly your stance is too wide” replies the medic.

Did you hear about the golf club that walked into the bar. The steward refused to serve it. “You’re driving later” explained the bar man.

It was a sunny Saturday morning on the course and I was beginning my pre-shot routine on visualizing my upcoming shot, when a voice came over the clubhouse loudspeaker. "Would the gentleman on the Ladies tee back up to the Men's tee please!!" I was still deep in my routine, seemingly impervious to the interruption. Again the announcement - "Would the MAN on the WOMEN'S tee kindly back up to the men's tee." I finally stopped, turned, looked through the clubhouse window directly at the person with the mike and shouted back, "Would the person in the clubhouse kindly shut up and let me play my second shot?"

A man goes to a public golf course. He approaches the man behind the counter in the pro shop and says, "I would like 18 holes of golf and a caddie." The man behind the counter says, "The 18 holes of golf is no problem, but all of the caddies are out on the course. What I will do for you is this: We just received 8 brand new robot golf caddies. If you're willing to take one with you out on the course and come back and tell me how well it works, your round of golf is on me today." The golfer obviously accepted the man's offer. He approached the first tee, looked at the fairway and said to himself, "I think my driver will do the job." "The robot caddie turned to the man and said, "No sir. Use your 3 wood. A driver is far too much club for this hole." Hesitantly, the golfer pulled out his 3 wood, made good contact with the ball, and the ball landed about 10 feet to the right front of the hole on the green. The golfer, delighted, turned to the robot and thanked him for his assistance. As the golfer pulled out his putter he said, "I think this green is gonna break left to right." The robot then again spoke up and said, "No sir. I do believe this green will break right to left" Thinking about the last time the robot corrected his prediction, he decided again to listen to the machine. He made his putt and birdied the hole thanks to the robot and his advice. But his luck didn't end there. His entire game was the best game he ever played, thanks to the assistance of the new robot golf caddie. Upon returning to the clubhouse, the man behind the counter asked, "How was your game?" The golfer stated, "It was, by far, the BEST game I ever played. Thank you! very much for letting me take one of your robots. See you next week." A week passed, and excited, the golfer returned to the pro shop. Upon entering, he turned to the man behind the counter and said, "I would like 18 holes of golf and one of those robot golf caddies, please." The gentleman from behind the counter turned to the man and said, "Well the 18 holes is no problem. However, we had to get rid of the robots. We had too many complaints." Confused, the golfer cried, "COMPLAINTS? Who in the heck could've complained about those robots? They were incredible" The man sighed and said, "Well, it wasn't their performance. It was that they were made of shiny silver metal, and the sun reflecting off them was blinding to other golfers on the fairway." The golfer said, "So then why didn't you just paint them black?" The man nodded sadly and replied, "We did. Then four of 'em didn't show up for work, two filed for welfare, and the other two robbed the pro shop."

After a particularly poor game of golf, a popular club member skipped the clubhouse and started to go home. As he was walking to the parking lot to get his car, a police officer stopped him and asked, "Did you tee off on the sixteenth hole about twenty minutes ago?" "Yes," the golfer responded. "Did you happen to hook your ball so that it went over the trees and off the course?" "Yes, I did. How did you know?" he asked. "Well," said the policeman very seriously indeed, "Your ball flew out onto the highway and crashed through a driver's wind shield. The car went out of control, crashing into five other cars and a fire truck. The fire truck couldn't make it to the fire, and the building burned down. So, what are you going to do about it?" The golfer thought it over carefully and responded... "I think I'll close my stance a little bit, tighten my grip and lower my right thumb."

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they had passionate relations all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and awoke at around 8 p.m. As the man prepared to leave, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied and he slipped into his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house. "Darling," replied the man, "I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been together all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock." The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying jerk! You've been playing golf!"

An American golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods. Looking for his ball, he found a little Leprechaun flat on his back, a big bump on his head and the golfer's ball beside him. Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and poured
it over the little guy, reviving him. 'Arrgh! What happened?' the Leprechaun asked. 'I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball,' the golfer said. 'Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square. Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?' 'Thank God, you're all right!' the golfer answers in relief. 'I don't want anything, I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologize.' And the golfer walks off. 'What a nice guy,' the Leprechaun says to himself. I'll have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things I would want ... a great golf game, all the money he ever needs and, a fantastic sex life.' A year goes by (as it does in stories like this) and the American golfer is back. On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into the woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him. 'Twas me that made ye hit the ball here,' the little guy says. 'I just want to ask ye, how's yer golf game?' 'My game is fantastic!' the golfer answers. I'm an internationally famous golfer now.' He adds - 'By the way, it's good to see you're all right.' 'Oh, I'm fine now, thankye. I did that fer yer golf game, you know. And tell me, how's yer money situation?' 'Why, it's just wonderful!' the golfer states. 'When I need cash, I
just reach in my pocket and pull out $100 bills I didn't even know were there!' 'I did that fer ye also.' And tell me, how's yer sex life?' The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment and, says shyly, 'It's OK.' 'C'mon, c'mon now,' urged the Leprechaun, 'I'm wanting to know if I did a good job. How many times a week?' Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers ? 'Once, sometimes twice a week.' 'What??' responds the Leprechaun in shock. 'That's all? Only once or twice a week?' 'Well' says the golfer ? 'I figure that's not bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish.'

Good one little green man!!!!

Dave had a week off and decided to play golf every day. Monday morning, he found himself paired with an attractive woman, Pat, who turned out to be a very good golfer. They started with a few casual bets, but by the back nine it was a full-blown competition. On the 18th green, Pat sank her long birdie putt for the win. Dave congratulated her and paid off his losses. Pat asked for a ride home and, on the way, told him, 'You know, Dave, I haven't enjoyed myself so much On the golf course in a long time. In fact, pull over so I can express my appreciation. 'He did, they kissed, and one thing led to another and soon she gave him the best oral sex he'd ever had. The next morning, they met again on the first tee and played together again. They had another magnificent day, enjoying each other's company and playing tight, competitive golf. Again Pat beat him, but she also showed her appreciation on the drive home. This went on all week, with Dave narrowly losing every day, his male ego bruised, but not unhappy. On Friday's drive home, Dave said, 'Pat, you've been great to be with all this week and tonight I'd like to return the favour. I made reservations at the best restaurant in town for us and reserved the penthouse suite at the best hotel. What do you say?' Pat burst into tears. 'I can't!' 'What? Why not?' asked Dave. 'Because,' she sobbed, 'I'm in the middle of a sex change and the doctor hasn't completed that part of me yet!' 'What?!' Aghast, Dave swerved off the road, screeched to a stop and swore madly, overcome with emotion. 'I'm so sorry,' says Pat. 'You have a right to be angry with me.' 'You b*****d!' Dave screamed, his face bright red. 'You cheating b*****! All week long you've been playing off the women's tees!!'

Hear about the golfer who, come hail or shine, got up every Saturday morning at seven to play a round at his club. But one weekend when he reached the door, the biting cold rain was almost horizontal, and for once he put his golf bag down, undressed and quietly slipped back into bed with his half-asleep wife and told her: "The weather's terrible." Sleepily she replied: "Can you believe my husband's out golfing in that?"