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Park Engineering John Park, 32 the Loaning, Motherwell, North Lanarkshire, Strathclyde, Scotland, U.K. ML1 3HE tel. & fax. 01698 263756 mobile 0781 8618547 "e" mail jpark8@btinternet.com (click on this to send me an "e" mail) this web site www.3d-cad-steelwork.com
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Computer and Web Design Hints and tips
British Hospitals - True
Stories.........
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Blonde Jokes
A blonde and a brunette are
traveling along this country road in a bus. The blonde pointed to a herd of cows
in a field and said "I wonder why all those cows are so dour faced?" "So would
you be" Said the brunette "If you got woke up at 4.30 every morning, somebody
rubbed your tits for half an hour and you didn't get a shag" Q:-What's the difference between a blonde and a rooster?
A blonde visiting a zoo was seen by the Zookeeper throwing £10 notes into the elephant enclosure. "Why are you throwing money to the elephants?" Asks the Zookeeper. "The sign says it's OK" she replied. "No" said the zookeeper "The sign says it's not OK" "No it doesn't" said the blonde "It says:- Do not feed £10 fine" Did you hear about the blonde who thought "coq au van" was sex in the back of her boyfriend's transit. A blonde goes into a world wide message centre to send a message to her mother in Essex. The man tells her it will be £100. She exclaims, "I don't have any money, but I would do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother back home!" To that the man asks, "Anything?" And the blonde says, "Yes, anything!" With that, the man says, "Follow me." He walks into the next room and tells her, "Come in and close the door." She does. He then says, "Take down my fly." She does. Then he says, "Go ahead, take it out." With that she kneels down and takes it out then takes hold of it with both hands. The man then says, "Well, go ahead!" She brings her mouth closer to it, and while holding it close to her lips, she says “It stinks” sorry, no she never, she says "Hello... Mom?"
The blonde girl came skipping home from school one day. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!" Very good," said her mother. Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?" Yes, it's because you're blonde." The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, b, c, d, e, f, g!" Very good," said her mother. Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?" Yes, it's because you're blonde." The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs. Very good," said her patient mother. Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?" No, dear, it's because you're 25." A blonde phoned her brunette pal to invite her to a party. “I can’t come” said the brunette “I’ve got a bad case of laryngitis” “well, just bring it over” said the blonde “I can drink anything”
Two Irish men were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up. A blonde walked by and asks what they are doing. Paddy: "We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole, but we don't have a ladder" The blonde took a spanner from her purse, loosened a few bolts and laid the flagpole down. She then pulled a tape measure from her pocket, took a few measurements and announced that it was eighteen feet and six inches. She then walked off. Mick: "Ain't that just like a blonde! We need the height and she gives us the length"
This blonde has been trying to do a jigsaw all afternoon. As her hubby walks in she says “Will you help me. Its supposed to be a tiger” “Put the frosties back in the box and get the f*****g tea ready” says the bloke.
Q-: Have you heard about the new blonde paint? A-: It’s not really bright but it’s cheap, and it spreads easy.
Q-: “What’s the difference between a blonde and a shopping trolley?” A-: “A shopping trolley can have a mind of it’s own”
Q:
How does a blonde hold her liquor?
Q:
Why can't blondes count to 70?
Q:
What did the blonde
say when she was showed her newborn baby in the
Q:
Why don't blondes talk when having sex?
Q:
Why do blondes have
see-through lunch box lids?
A blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open and her right breast hanging out. A policeman approaches her and says, "Ma'am, are you aware that I could arrest you for indecent exposure?" She says, "Why officer?" "Because your breast is hanging out." he says. She looks down and says, "OH MY GOD, I left the baby on the bus again!"
A blind man is sitting in a
bar. After a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde
joke? "The entire place becomes so quiet you could hear a pin drop. In a deep,
husky voice, the woman sitting next to him says, "Before you tell that joke,
sir, I think it's only fair....given that you are blind....that you should know
five things: Number 1: I'm a 6-foot-tall, 175-lb. blonde woman with a black belt
in karate.
Amy, a blonde Texan city girl, marries a Texas rancher. One morning, on his way out to check on the cows the rancher says to Amy, "The artificial insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. I hammered a nail into the beam just above the cow's stall in the barn. You show him where the cow is when he gets here, okay?" So the rancher leaves for the fields. After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door. Amy takes him down to the barn. They walk along long rows of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him, "This is the one..... right here." Terribly impressed by what he seemed to think just might be another dizzy blonde, the man asks, "Tell me little lady, how did you know this is the cow to be bred?" "That's simple. By the nail over its stall," Amy explains very confidently. Then the man asks, "What's the nail for?" She turns to walk away, and with complete confidence, says: "I guess it's to hang your trousers on..."
A blonde was involved in a road accident. A few days latter she went to the police station to make a statement. The officer asked her “So what gear were you in when the incident occurred?” The blonde answered “Let me think. Oh yes it was a gorgeous little pink number with matching shoes and gloves.”
A blonde takes her broken down car to the garage for repair. The mechanic fixes it in five minutes and says “Just sh*t in the carburetor” “really” replies the blonde “how often do I need to do that?”
Q:
Why do blondes wear tight fitting
skirts?
Q-: What do you call a fly buzzing inside a blonde's head? A-: A Space Invader. Hear about the blonde who had three new windscreens fitted. Then she discovered she had a crack. In her glasses that is.
Q-:
Why can't you tell blondes knock knock jokes ?
Q: - What do you call an intelligent blonde A:- A golden retriever
Q: - What did the dumb blonde’s left leg say to her right leg ? A:- Nothing, they’ve never met.
Q: - Why does a blonde always watch a porn video until the end. A:- Because she doesn’t want to miss the wedding.
. Did you hear about the blonde who drove round the roundabout fifty seven times. Her indicator was stuck on.
Two blondes are lying in bed. One says to the other "Well i don't think much of this wife swapping carry on. "Me neither" says the other blonde "I wonder how the boys are getting on?"
Two blondes are traveling on the train late one night when a male passenger flashes them. "Quick Sharon give me your mobile", one says. "Are you going to call the police?" Sharon asks. "No" she replies "I'm going to call my boy friend and reassure him that I've just seen somebody with a smaller willy than his."
Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female boss. Each day, they noticed the boss left work early. One day the girls decided that, when the boss left, they would leave right behind her. After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she know they went home early? The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening, spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early. The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa before meeting a dinner date. The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but when she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside. Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with her lady boss! Gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house. The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned to leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with them. No way," the blonde exclaimed. "I almost got caught yesterday."
Q: -
What
do you call a blonde standing on her head?
Q: - What is a blonde's mating call? A: - ''NEXT!''
The blonde went to an eye doctor to have her eyes checked for glasses. The doctor directed her to read various letters with the left eye while covering the right eye. The blonde was so mixed up on which eye was which that the eye doctor in disgust took an empty cornflake packet with a hole to see through, and put it on her head to cover up the other eye and asked her to read the letters. As he did so, he noticed the blonde had tears streaming down her face. "Look," said the doctor, "there's no need to get upset about getting glasses." "I know," agreed the blonde, "But I kind of had my heart set on wire frames."
Two bored casino workers were
waiting at a crap table. A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet £2,000
on a single roll of the dice. She said " I hope you don't mind, but I feel
luckier when I'm completely nude." With that, she stripped from her neck down,
rolled the dice and yelled" Mama needs new clothes!" Then she hollered "YES!
YES! I won! I won!" She jumped up and down and hugged each of the dealers. She
then picked up all the money and clothes and quickly departed. The dealers just
stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked " What did she
roll?" The other answered " I don't know, I thought you were watching!
A blonde female police officer pulled over a blonde woman for speeding. The blonde cop approached the car and asked the blonde for her driver's license. The blonde driver asked, "What does a driver's license look like?" as she searched through her bag. The blonde cop said, "It's a little thing with your picture on it." The driver pulled out her powder compact, opened it, looked in the mirror and handed it to the officer. The blonde cop looked in the mirror, handed it back to the blonde and said, "If you'd told me you were a police officer, we could have avoided all this."
A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some rectum deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman they don't sell rectum deodorant, and never have. Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis and would like some more. "I'm sorry", says the pharmacist, "we don't have any" 'But I always buy it here," says the blonde "Do you have the container that it came in?" asks the pharmacist "YES," said the blonde, "I'll go home and get it." She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant" Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container “Push up Bottom”. Two blondes on a holiday flight when one says to the other "If this plane turns upside down, do you think we'll fall out?" "No" says the second blonde "After all we've been friends all our life"
A blonde goes down her front drive every half hour to check her mail box. Her next door neighbour asks her why she's doing this. "Well" replies the blonde "My computer keeps telling me I've got mail"
Have you hears about the blonde who stayed up all night to see where the sun went. It wasn't till morning that it dawned on her. Have you heard about the blonde who thought Johnny Cash was money for the condom machine. Have you heard about the blonde shoplifter. She went into Argos and came out with 4 pens and two catalogues. Have you heard about the blonde bank clerk. Her idea of safe sex was to have it on top of the vault.
A brunette a redhead and a blonde are lying in the morgue. As all three have smiles on their faces the Mortician asks the porter why they're so happy looking. "Well" says the porter "the brunette had just won the lottery and she had a fatal heart attack with the shock. The redhead had been having sex and just had a quadruple orgasm. It must have been too much for her. And the blonde was struck by lightning." "so why was the blonde smiling" Asks the mortician. "She thought she was having her photo taken" was the reply.
Q: - What's the difference between a blonde and the Panama Canal. A: - ''The Panama Canal is a busy ditch'
A blonde went into a garage and asked for a seven-hundred-ten. Everybody looked at each other and another customer asked, "What is a seven-hundred-ten?" She replied, "You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, I have lost it and need a new one.." She replied that she did not know exactly what it was, but this piece had always been there. The mechanic gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like. She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710. He then took her over to another car which had its hood up and asked "is there a 710 on this car?" She pointed and said, "Of course, it ' s right there." It read "OIL"
Q: - What do blonde virgins eat?. A: - ''Baby food'
Q: - What do foreign football players and blondes have in common?. A: - ''They both go down far too easily"
A blonde gets a new job in an office and is told that her first job is to get a round of coffees. She grabs a large thermos flask and heads for a nearby cafe. Holding up the thermos she asks the waitress if it's big enough to hold seven cups of coffee. When the waitress says yes the blonde replies "Great give me three black, two lattes and two regular decafs"
The blonde who's sitting at her office desk when the phone suddenly rings. Ten seconds later she burst into tears and is consoled by her work colleagues who ask what the matter is. "My gran's dead she sobs." A minute later the phone goes again. Once again goes into a fit of crying and says "That was my sister. Her gran is dead as well"
Q:
Why was the blonde staring at
the carton of orange juice?
A blonde goes into a greengrocers and asks for a bag of potatoes. The shopkeeper says "Certainly, madam, will you take King Edwards? "No way" replies the blonde "He can get his own".
Two blondes are discussing their sex lives. "Do you believe in sex before marriage?" asks the first blonde. "Not if it makes you late for the wedding" replies the second blonde.
Two blondes emerge from the zoo covered in cuts, bruises and with half their clothes in tatters. The first blonde says "That's the last time I try that lion dancing"
A blonde is walking down the road with her blouse open and her right breast hanging out. A police walks up to her and says "Madam are you aware that I could arrest you for indecent exposure?" She says "Why officer?" "Because your right breast is hanging out" replies the copper. She looks down and screams "Oh my god. I've left my baby on the bus again"
A blonde asked her boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said a green jumper. She gave him a frog.
A man was sitting on a blanket
at the beach under a palm tree. He had no arms and no legs. Three women were
walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.
Q-:
How do you know a blonde has
been on you computer?
Q-:Why are most Blonde jokes one-liners?
Have you heard about the dumb blonde who thought camay knickers were folk who stole soap.
A blonde was driving through a remote part of Arizona
when her car broke down. An American Indian on horseback came along
and offered
her a ride to a nearby town. She climbed up behind him on the horse
and they rode off. The ride was uneventful, except that every few
minutes the Indian would let out a 'Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a' so loud that
it echoed from the surrounding hills. When they arrived in town, he
let her off at the local service station, yelled one final
'Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!' and rode off. 'What did you do to get that
Indian so excited?' asked the service-station attendant. 'Nothing,'
the woman answered. 'I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my
arms around his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn't
fall off.' 'Lady,' the attendant said, 'Indians ride bare back.
A brunette is doing a crossword and says to her blonde pal "a flightless bird from Iceland with 6 and 7 letters." "That's easy" said the blonde "It's a frozen chicken"
Have you heard about the one eyed blonde? She thought she should only be paying half the television license fee. Then she ended up getting a job as a traffic warden in a one way street.
As this bloke enters his house after work his blonde wife says "I think I'm anorexic" While trying to keep the snigger in the bloke says "why do you think that, love" "It says in this woman's magazine when an anorexic looks in the mirror she sees an over weight repulsively obese person" was the reply.
A blonde went into the railway station and said to the clerk "A ticket to Paris please" The official said "Eurostar?" The blonde said "Well I once auditioned for Britain's got talent. But I'm no Madonna"
A blonde was driving down the motorway swaying from side to side. When the police stopped her and asked her what was the problem she replied "It's a tree that keeps popping up in front of me" After looking at the dashboard the cop says "Away you go you silly cow. That's your air freshener"
Two blondes were having a natter. One says to the other "I better be careful and not get pregnant" "I don't understand that" says the first blonde "Your husband has just had a vasectomy" "Yes, that's why"
One blonde said to another blonde "Have you ever went to bed with a really ugly guy?" "Never" said the second blonde "But, I've woke up with a few"
A married couple were asleep when the phone rang. The husband (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said 'I don't do drugs' and hung up. The blonde wife said, 'Who was that?' The husband said, 'I don't know, some fellow wanting to know if the dope was away.'
This blokes takes a blonde out for a meal. While they both perused through the menu he said "the duck looks pretty appetising" "I've already told you" said the blonde "I don't eat sea food".
This bloke goes into his house and catches his blonde wife looking through his diary. She angrily shouts to him "Who the f*** are April May and June?"
Q-:
How do you drown a blonde?
A blonde walks into a dry cleaners and drops off her blouse. the worker says "come again." and the blonde says "no its mayonnaise this time."
A blonde is standing in front of the mirror. She says to her hubby "I look terrible. I feel fat and ugly. Pay me a complement" "Well" says the hubby "There's nothing wrong with your eyesight"
Q:- Why do blondes get confused in the loo? A:- Because they've got to pull they're own knickers down.
A flat chested blonde goes to see Dr. Smith about enlarging her tiny boobs. The doctor tells her so say a little ditty after her shower every morning as "Scooby doobie doobies give me bigger boobies" However this morning she is running late and forgets. While on the bus she decides to catch up says ""Scooby doobie doobies give me bigger boobies" The bloke sitting on the seat next to her says "You go to Doctor Smith don't you?" "How did you know that?" asks the blonde he replied "Hicory dickory doc give me a bi................."
A blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful.
She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk. When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a
mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons. So he knocked on the
door to clarify the point. The blonde came to the door and the milkman said,
"I found your note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk. Did you mean 2.5
gallons?" The blonde said, "I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub
up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again."
The milkman asked, "Do you want it pasteurized?" The blonde replied, "No, just up to my tits. I can splash
it on my eyes."
A blonde went to the doctor with two burnt ears. The medic asked her what happened. She said the phone rang and I accidentally picked up the iron. "What about the other ear" asked the doc." "The pig asked me to call him back"
This girl asked her blonde pal to close her curtains while making love to her hubby. "Why" asked the blonde. "well" replied the girl "Yesterday the whole street were out watching you" "The laughs on them" replied the blonde "I wasn't even in the house yesterday"
A blonde lady was in the delivery room starting to deliver her baby. As it
made its appearance it was dark and had an afro. The doctor said, "Ma'am,
have you ever slept with a black man?" She said, "Well, yes, but only once."
"Once is all it takes" he replied. Then the torso appeared and it was
yellow. "Ma'am, have you ever slept with an oriental man?" the doctor asked.
"Well, yes" she said, "but only once." "Once is all it takes," he said. When
the legs appeared they were red. The doctor asked her if she had ever slept
with an Indian and she said only once and he replied that that was all it
took. Well, when the Dr. held it upside down and slapped it's bottom to make
it cry. "Oh, thank God," she exclaimed "at least it doesn't bark!"
Did you hear about the blonde lesbian? She kept having affairs with men!
Two blondes are having a chinwag when one said to the other "I'm off men for life. They lie, they cheat and they're tight fisted. The next time I want sex I'm going to use my vibrator" "What will you do when the batteries go flat?" asks the second blonde "I'll just fake an orgasm. The same as I used to do with my boyfriend"
A blonde lost her dog. Her pal said to her "Why don't you put an advert in the paper?" "Don't be stupid" replied the blonde. My dog can't read"
Have you heard about the Blonde cat burglar? She broke into the bookmakers at 11.30 pm one night and ended up loosing £450.
Two blondes are out for lunch at an open air restaurant. A heavy downpour of rain came on and it took them two hours to finish their soup. Three blondes walk into a pet shop and the parrot squaks out "Red pink yellow" The first blonde says "I've got red knickers on" the second says I've got pink knickers on and the third says and would you believe it I've got yellow ones on. The next day they all get together and all put on white knickers. But the parrot is no fool and right away say's "white white white" The next day they enter the shop and the parrot says "Curly straight and shaven"
A blonde jumps into her car. She immediately lifts her mobile and dials 999. "My cars been broken into" She shouts "They've took the steering wheel, the wireless, the foot pedals and the gear shift" A few minutes later a police car arrives. The cop calls his office and says "It's okay Sarg. she's went into the back seat by mistake"
Q:- Why are blondes so dumb? A:- Because they're born that way.
A blonde hails down a Taxi and asks to be taken home. Half way along the road the taxi splutters to a halt. The taxi driver lifts the bonnet and starts fiddling about with things. Five minutes later the blonde gets out the car and says "Would you like a screw-driver?" "Okay" says the cabby "But can you wait until I fix this carburetor?"
Q:- Why do blondes wear knickers? A;- To keep their ankles warm.
Q:- What does a blonde say after sex? A;- "Wow. Do you really all play for the same team?"
Q:- What did the blonde say after the doctor told her she was pregnant? A;- "Are you sure it's mine?"
Q:- Why do blondes have TGIF on their shoes ? A;- "TOES GO IN FIRST"
Q:- Why does the blonde look in the mirror with her eyes closed? A:- To see what she looks like while she's asleep.
Have you heard about the dumb blonde who thought Johnny Cash was money for the condom machine.
A bloke is driving down the motorway with his blonde girlfriend. The blonde said to her boyfriend "I think the people in that car over there are foreign. "Why do you say that love?" asks the fellow. "Well, the kids are writing on the window and it says 'STIT ROUY SU WOHS'"
A blonde was waiting at the airport to meet her sister who had been in New Zealand for the last 30 years. Her friend asked her if she would recognize her. "I doubt it" replied the blonde. Her friend replied "Will she recognize you?" "of course she will" Replied the blonde "You see, I haven't been away"
This blonde and her hubby stay in this house next to a railway line. They have a lot of trouble getting to sleep at night because of the noise and vibrations from passing trains. After complaining to British Rail she gets a visit from one of their inspectors. She takes him up to the bedroom then says to him "There's a train due in a few minutes. Lie on the bed with me and you'll experience it first hand" Just at that moment he husband came into the house and made beeline for the bedroom. When he opened the bedroom door he said "What's going on here?" "You're not going to believe this?" replied the blonde "But we're waiting on a train coming"
Two blondes are walking down the street and one picks up a mirror. After looking at it she says "I'm sure I recognize her" The other blonde takes the mirror of her pal and when she looks at it she says "It's me you silly cow"
A blonde a brunette and a redhead get sent to hell for their sins. On arrival St. Peter said to them "Because you're women I'll reprieve you from furnace duties. Instead you'll each get locked up for five years with a supply of any one item of you're choice" he redhead choices Vodka the brunette asks for chocolate and the blonde wants cigarettes. Five years later they are released. The redhead is bleary-eyed and puffy faced from the booze. The brunette is well overweight from all the chocolate. The blonde hasn't changed a bit but the first thing she says is "Has anybody got a light?"
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and, one night, he's doing a show in a small town.
A blonde and a brunette are traveling on a bus. The brunette is reading a magazine and says "in this article it says 'If you conceive while standing up you will have a boy and if you conceive while lying down on your back it'll be a girl'" "Oh shit" says the blonde "That means I'm going to have puppies" The blonde walks into the shop and says "Can somebody sell me a kettle?" The shopkeeper replied "Kenwood" "Well, where is he?" replied the blonde.
A blonde and a brunette are traveling along this country road
in a bus. The blonde pointed to a herd of cows in a field and said
"I wonder why all those cows are so dour faced?" "So would you be"
Said the brunette "If you got woke up at 4.30 every morning, somebody
rubbed your tits for half an hour and you didn't get a shag"
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